


Fool For Lesser Things

by Snow_Falls



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexual Content, based off the manga ending, boys being soft, can I offer you soft boys in this trying time?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-10 13:44:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15950558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snow_Falls/pseuds/Snow_Falls
Summary: "He knew irrefutably that if Eiji left he would take something fundamental to Ash with him, and without that, what would be the point in living? He might as well have let Foxx finish him, if he was going to cop out now. No, Sing was right, the little brat, what the fuck would be the point if he didn’t go with Eiji? God, he was an idiot."Or the fix it fic we all need. The alternate ending I cherish in my heart of hearts.





	1. Not 'Sayonara'

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy, did that manga ending FUCK ME UP. I also read "Garden of Light" and honestly, if I didn't have such a hollow tin chest I would be sobbing. It hurt me so much to read the ending and that companion story. I just, I can't handle it. 
> 
> This first chapter is the ending, I honestly, honestly, thought we might get in the manga. Please excuse me while I continue to reel from that ending.

 

 

Once I thought my innocence was gone  
Now I know that happiness goes on  
That's where you found me  
When you put your arms around me

Billy Joel "The Longest Time"

 

Ash sighed; he had been reading the same page for at least half an hour. He glanced at his watch, and put his book down. He had made a choice; he needed to stick to it. Eiji would be safe away from this city, away from him, that was a fact, and it didn’t matter how twisted up he felt inside thinking about it, things were better this way. Blanca had been right, he was selfish, and it was completely unfair to Eiji. He had already asked so much of his friend, how could he possibly ask for more? Especially when he had nothing to give, Eiji didn’t need protecting anymore, if they were together what could Ash give him?

He looked down at his book again, and then closed his eyes. He took a deep breath; the smell of old paper was welcome and familiar. Ash tried to let his mind go blank, let the sound of voices, and the feel of activity around him occupy his senses. He tried to pick out individual voices around him and then, painstakingly recalled all the details of the library in an exercise that usually served to occupy his mind.

Unbidden came the memory of Eiji with him at this library, his soft brown eyes, his teasing smile.

Ash sighed again and checked the time; Eiji’s flight would be leaving soon. Somehow he thought the feeling in his stomach would settle once Eiji’s plane was in the sky. That way he wouldn’t still have the hope of seeing him at the airport, the stupid fucking hope that refused to go away no matter how hard Ash pushed it down. His body would not relax; ready to take off at any moment to catch up to Eiji. His saw again Eiji’s tearstained face in the hospital hallway, the last time he had seen him. Ash ached to brush those tears away, soothe both of them. Maybe that would ease the feeling of bitter regret in his chest.

“Ash!”

He looked up, he wasn’t startled exactly, but he had noticed Sing’s presence only a moment before he spoke. He was clearly off his game.

Ash gave him a look and Sing snapped his mouth shut, clearly about to call out to him again. He stood and motioned for Sing to follow him, together they walked out onto the sidewalk in front of the library.

“What?” Ash asked, voice as flat as he could make it. It was probably unfair to talk to Sing like this, but Ash thought he knew what brought his friend here and he really wasn’t up for having this conversation.

“What are you doing here?” Sing demanded. “Why aren’t you at the airport? Eiji’s waiting for you, you know!”

Ash looked away. He had been right, of course. He felt the familiar ache in his chest at the mention of Eiji’s name. Why couldn’t anyone _see_ , this was obviously for the best. Ash shoved his hands into his pockets, hands clenched tightly into fists. He took a breath before replying.

“I’m not going,” he said as steadily as he could.

“Why the hell not?” Sing was visibly upset, he was practically yelling. “What the hell was all this for if you’re not going to go to him? Don’t you at least have anything to say to him?”

Ash glared at Sing. What the fuck did Sing know about his feelings? About anything? There was no ‘point’ to any of the things that happened. The things that happened were simply the result of people being involved with Ash Lynx, notorious gangster, murderer, and whore.

“It’s better this way,” Ash forced himself to say. “Eiji’s better off without me, in Japan. I said my goodbyes, I’m never seeing him again.”

“Idiot!” Sing shouted, his hands were balled up into fists at his sides, it was then that Ash realized he was holding something. Sing glared up at him, he looked like he was ready to take a swing at him. Ash kind of wanted him to. He didn’t, instead Sing thrust the thing he was holding into Ash’s chest, Ash’s hand came up automatically to take it. “You’re so damn _stubborn_! I’ve had it with you!” Then he turned on his heel and left.

Ash looked down at the envelope, for that’s what it was, in his hand. His name jumped out at him. It was written in a hand he was familiar with, and his heart beat painfully. Ash moved without thinking to a nearby bench, he ran his fingers along the edge of the envelope, he thought about Eiji hunched over in his hospital bed, pen and paper in hand, painstakingly writing to Ash in a language that was not his own.

His fingers trembled as he slowly opened the envelope, he held it lightly, and held his breath, like he thought the letter might melt away before he had a chance to read the words.

But, read them he did, and it was almost too much, his heart was practically bursting in his chest.

_We are from different countries, and our skin and eyes are different color. But, so what? We are friends. Isn’t that enough? What else do we need?_

He could hear Eiji’s voice in his head as he read those beautiful words, words that sent warmth flooding through his whole being, that made his heart sing, and his blood move.

_I am very happy I came to America. I made many friends here. Above all…I met you, Ash._

And there was the plane ticket.

_I always wanted to protect you. Funny, isn’t it? But, what did I want to protect you from?_

He felt tears prick his eyes, Eiji did everything but confess with this letter, Ash could feel the unwritten words between every line, and he felt them in his own soul. As always, Eiji was braver and truer than Ash could ever hope to be. And he was there again, to rescue Ash from himself.

_I think I wanted to protect you from your future. Because your fate was sweeping you away, like a flood._

He realized he was crying when he saw tears stain the pages Eiji had written him. He hastily scrubbed at his face.

His resolve was for shit; it always had been, when it came to Eiji. How many times did he think to himself that it would be better if Eiji left for Japan? He had gotten as far as getting him a plane ticket back twice, but he hadn’t been able to go through with it. He knew irrefutably that if Eiji left he would take something fundamental to Ash with him, and without that, what would be the point in living? He might as well have let Foxx finish him, if he was going to cop out now. No, Sing was right, the little brat, what the fuck would be the point if he didn’t go with Eiji? God, he was an idiot.

_But, I said you are not a leopard, and that you can change your future. It’s true, Ash. You can change your fate._

Ash stood suddenly frantic, he looked at his watch, was there enough time? He needed to get to the airport, he needed a taxi –

There was a blur of movement to his right, bodies colliding and muffled shouts. Ash was knocked to the floor and completely taken by surprise. It took him only seconds to take in his surroundings, put his guard up, but they were precious seconds that could have gotten him killed if it weren’t for Sing. The young gang leader had tackled his brother to the ground, and had a knife buried in his shoulder for his trouble.

Ash pulled out his gun and trained it on Lao.

“No!” Sing cried, clutching his wounded shoulder, but shuffling quickly on his knees to block Ash’s shot. Lao had been knocked on his back and was now crouching by his brother looking torn. “Stop!” Sing snapped, this was directed at Lao.

His brother’s eyes were still trained on Ash, and Ash didn’t lower his gun.

“He needs to go,” Lao said, eyes on Ash’s face, “I can’t let him hurt you.”

The realization of what was happening and why hit Ash like a ton of bricks. He was an idiot for leaving this loose end, for not predicting this, for having his guard so completely down, and for giving Lao a reason to mistrust him in the first place. If not for Sing Ash would have been run through by the knife that was buried in the young man’s shoulder, he could have been seriously hurt, he could have died. Ash felt a chill go through him, he had never really wanted to die, and right now he never wanted so desperately to live, to embrace a future that no longer looked so bleak.

“ _You_ hurt me, you fucking moron!” Sing yelled, this got Lao’s attention. He looked down at his brother, Sing’s sleeve was stained with blood, the wound didn’t look like it hit anything vital, but it would probably hurt like hell. “Ash and I are square, we’re not gonna fight!” Sing glared at Lao, and Ash watched as his older brother searched Sing’s face for any deception. He found none, the truth was obvious.

“Fuck,” Lao breathed.

“Damn right,” Sing grumbled, “Idiot.” He added. Then turned to Ash. Ash lowered his gun; he saw the fight had left Lao. “I guess I’m an idiot too, I had to come back and try again. Go to him.” Sing was glaring at Ash so fiercely that under other circumstances he might have actually felt some trepidation, as it was his mind was back to thinking about Eiji.

_You are not alone, Ash. I am with you. My soul is always with you._

“Thank you,” was all Ash said as he stood, and then ran.

***

The ride to the airport was agony. If Ash had a hard time keeping his eyes off his watch in the library, it was nothing to the obsessive way he checked the time in the backseat of the cab. He kept doing the math in his head, at the speed they were going, considering how far the airport was, what were the odds he would make it in time?

Not good.

Ash closed his eyes and willed himself to calm down. If he didn’t make it it wasn’t the end of the world. There were ways he could contact Eiji, he would just have to wait to get a message to him, but it could be done. He could let Eiji know he got his letter, that he had received his feelings and wanted nothing more than to return them. It wasn’t as tragic as his stupid mind was making it seem if he didn’t manage to catch him before his plane left. He just needed some damn patience; this wasn’t an all or nothing moment.

Still, his stomach twisted in knots, it refused to believe him when he said it wasn’t vital he make it in time.

When the airport was in sight Ash’s body tensed, he was getting ready to bolt. He knew he shouldn’t be pushing himself like this, he had recently been shot and beaten, but if it was for Eiji…

Ash had been keeping an eye on the meter; he had plenty of money in hand to cover the fare by the time they were pulling up to the airport. Ash thrust the money at the driver yelling, “Keep the change!” before he threw the door open and took off before the cab came to a stop. Distantly he registered that he was being yelled at, he ignored it, single-mindedly making his way to Eiji. He already knew the terminal, and he knew the airport, having come here with Papa Dino a handful of times to greet his “guests.”

Ash flat out ran, he ignored the pain in his side, concentrating on not colliding with anyone, less concerned about hurting others than with how much colliding with them would slow him down. His weakened body was starting to protest its abuse in ways that were harder to ignore by the time Ash caught sight of them. Eiji was in a wheelchair; he was being pushed by Ibe-san toward the boarding area. His name was on Ash’s lips, but he couldn’t seem to voice it. There was a lump in Ash’s throat at the sight of him, his head bowed, looking small and fragile, unable to walk on his own two feet.

People were looking at Ash; he must look utterly desperate, frantic. Ibe-san noticed the looks and turned too, his eyes were wide with surprise and he stopped mid step. Ash saw him say something, and then Eiji was turning too.

Seconds later Ash was in front of him, doubled over and panting, staring into wide brown eyes. Eiji was saying something, but Ash couldn’t hear him, there was too much blood rushing in his ears. He felt lightheaded from exhaustion and relief.

Eiji threw the blanket over his lap aside and struggled to stand. Ash instinctively reached out to help him, taking Eiji’s hand, and finally found his voice.

“What are you doing? Don’t push yourself!” He scolded.

Eiji glared up at him, but there was no real heat to it.

“You are one to talk!” Eiji retorted, pressing his free hand gently into Ash’s wounded side. Ash winced, but he didn’t really care about the pain. Ash watched as Eiji’s expression softened, when he spoke again his voice was quiet, his words honest and vulnerable. “I thought – I thought maybe you would not come.”

Ash let go of Eiji’s hand so he could put his arms around him instead. He was immediately flooded with warmth when he felt Eiji return his embrace.

Ash closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Eiji’s familiar smell washed over him, the familiar warmth, and weight of Eiji in his arms, and Ash could feel his whole body relax at his proximity, he was practically dizzy with Eiji pressed this close to him.

“You promised me forever,” Ash whispered against Eiji’s ear, he felt him shiver. “I – “ Ash felt his resolve waver, he was only willing to push so far, it turned out. He wasn’t ready to say what his heart sang every time he looked at Eiji. “Wait for me.” He said instead, pulling back gently so he could look at Eiji’s face. His friend was gazing at him with such emotion in his eyes Ash thought his knees might buckle. He didn’t think about it as he brought his hand up to cup Eiji’s cheek. “I can’t leave right now but – wait for me.”

There were tears in Eiji’s eyes, but he was smiling, and nodding. Ash realized he was smiling too, a small smile, but a smile nonetheless. He ran his thumb along the smooth skin of Eiji’s cheek; he glanced down at his mouth. Ash closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Eiji’s. For now this was enough, there would be time for more later. He desperately wanted to do things right. How often had they held each other like this with an audience? How much of his – their – feelings had been public knowledge, on everyone’s mouths before they even had time to deal with it themselves? It was unfair, and this time Ash wanted things to be for them only, private and intimate, he wanted to give Eiji that.

“I will wait for you, Ash,” Eiji breathed, eyes still closed. Ash felt the words in his heart and his stomach; he felt the truth of them.

They pulled away, but not completely, reluctant to let the other go. They were gazing at each other.

“Ei-chan.” Ibe-san’s voice broke the moment, and Eiji dragged his eyes away from Ash. “We have to board,” he said somewhat apologetically. Ash became dimly aware that they were getting looks.

Eiji just nodded and turned back to Ash.

Ash smiled at him encouragingly, he made to pull away entirely, but he felt Eiji’s hands on his shoulders and he stilled. Eiji reached up and kissed him softly on the cheek.

“Come see me soon,” Eiji said, stepping away from him.

Ash knew his surprise was written all over his face, but then he was smiling, charmed by the gesture, and the beautiful flush blooming across Eiji’s cheeks.

“As soon as I can,” Ash promised.

 

 _Sayonara America. Sayonara, New York…_

_But, I’m not saying ‘sayonara’ to you, Ash. Because this isn’t goodbye. I know we’ll see each other again someday…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Strums guitar* Ahhhhhhh
> 
> I think everyone can appreciate how it killed me to reread Eiji's letter to write this. I put it off until the very end when I was writing because I knew it would hurt, and boy did it ever. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone else, I just really needed to take it and put it in a hopeful/happy context because I just can't deal with the canon ramifications of that letter. Fuck. Me.
> 
> On that note, the rest of the fic has a lighter tone! There's still shit Ash has to deal with, but I swear it gets fluffy and light, because that's what these boys deserve, goddamnit. T^T
> 
> Commiserate with me and/or share your happy ending headcanons, I would love to hear them! Find me on tumblr [here](http://nightofviolet.tumblr.com/)


	2. By your side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash takes care of business in New York and leaves to see the one he's been longing for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see I am not alone in crying about these two, not that I expected to be, but it's nice to know for sure. Let's not think about that though, shall we? Let's concentrate on the love of these good good boys. =)
> 
> Taking all kinds of artistic license here. Also, Eiji's family? Making them all up. Did he have a dad? He does now. 
> 
> Please enjoy some feelings and soft boys (▰˘◡˘▰)

 

Maybe I've been hoping too hard  
But I've gone this far  
And it's more than I hoped for

Billy Joel "The Longest Time"

The days went by slowly as Ash made arrangements. He was still heir apparent to Golzine’s company, he needed to make a decision about what to do with that. He decided to dissolve it, there was so much scandal now surrounding his “father” that no one would think twice about the dissolution of the company.

Ash still had the money he had taken before, he made various investments with it, opened a few bank accounts, namely one in Japan. He also invested in a small tea farm outside of Izumo.

He created a new identity, got himself a passport, and felt the thrill of anticipation when he held it in his hands.

While he waited for the paperwork on the more time consuming arrangements he went to visit Sing. His arm was in a sling, but he wasn’t much the worse for wear. None of his nerves were damaged; he would have full movement of his arm again once it was healed. Really Sing just found it annoying and he was very vocal about it. Lao was nowhere to be seen when Ash was in Chinatown and when he asked about him he was surprised by Sing’s response.

“He’s studying,” he said simply.

“What?” Ash asked, dumbfounded.

Sing rolled his eyes. “He’s going back to school. He’s a smart guy, but he’s gonna have to bust his ass to catch up with everything in his classes.”

Ash smiled, “What about you? You could go to school too.”

Sing looked away, he shrugged. “We’ll see.” Was all he said.

Ash thought about the different ways he could say it, but he didn’t think Sing would appreciate him getting fancy. So, as sincerely as he could Ash said what he came to say.

“Thank you. You saved my life.”

There was a mixture of emotions that ran across Sing’s face. He looked pleased, embarrassed, and a little uncomfortable. There was light colour in his cheeks as he shrugged again and looked at Ash from the corner of his eye.

“S’nothing,” he said. If Ash didn’t know better, he would say Sing was bashful. After a pause the young man met Ash’s eyes, “I figured I owed you, for what you did for Shorter. I did what he would have done for you. Don’t be a dumbass and waste your life, you better make something damn good of yourself.”

Ash swallowed past a lump in his throat. He held Sing’s gaze.

“I promise, I will.”

 

 

Ash visited Nadia; careful to go when he knew Charlie was out. Once he was there he told her all about what had happened to Shorter, he owed that to her. Nadia listened, tears running down her face, and when he was done she got up and hugged him. Ash was surprised to find he was crying too.

He put off the last thing he needed to do for as long as he could, but then he finally made his way to the Lee manor.

Guards greeted him immediately, Ash tried not to be too hostile, he had come to try and broker peace after all.

Yut Lung’s guards ushered him into a sitting room to wait for their master. Of course Yut Lung would make him wait. Ash tried not to fidget as he looked around the room; the opulence of the décor was stunning. The detail in the paintings, the richness of the fabrics, and the sheer amount of ornamentation for one room was decadence far beyond any necessity. Ash didn’t care for it, even if he had wanted to enjoy these kinds of frivolous displays of wealth, it was all tainted with his past experiences. Usually people who had money like this were bad news.

When Ash was sufficiently bored, Yut Lung appeared. He walked gracefully into the room, dressed in a rich blue robe, his shinning long hair braided elegantly and swinging over his shoulder.

“Ash Lynx,” Yut Lung greeted, part amusement, part wary curiosity. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Ash stopped himself from rolling his eyes only with great effort.

“I want to square up any beef you got with me,” Ash said, leaning back in the couch and crossing his legs, affected elegant coolness.

Yut Lung regarded him for a long moment. Then turned and walked over to a small service table and poured himself something in a small crystal glass, he looked at Ash questioningly, but Ash just shook his head. Yut Lung drank deeply before he spoke.

“This is about Eiji Okumura.” It was a statement not a question.

Ash felt himself tense. He knew Eiji was a sore spot for Yut Lung, even if he still didn’t understand exactly why he had an issue with someone so easily likeable as Eiji. Ash considered lying, bending the truth, and evading. Was there use in any of that?

Finally he settled on the truth, “Yes, partly,” Ash agreed.

He saw a muscle tighten in Yut Lung’s jaw, Ash watched as the young man drained his glass and then placed it back onto the service table. He walked across the room to Ash, and sat in a seat adjacent to his.

“You want to know if you go to Japan, will I hunt you and your precious Eiji?” Yut Lung asked him bluntly, his dark eyes trained on Ash’s face.

Again Ash answered him honestly. “Yes.”

Yut Lung looked away, eyes narrowed. He turned back to Ash and asked, almost child-like in his desperation, “ _Why_? What is it about that worthless nobody that has the mighty Ash Lynx purring like a tame house cat?”

Ash pushed down his irritation at Yut Lung’s insults toward Eiji, and he considered how to answer. He didn’t know how to put into words what Eiji was for him. How did he explain that Eiji was part of him, part of his soul? Did it matter if you knew why you needed air? You simply needed it.

“Eiji is…” Ash began, still looking for the words even as he spoke. “He’s…”

Yut Lung made a sharp gesture, “Stop,” he turned away. “I don’t want to hear it. That look on your face, I don’t want to see that either.”

Ash was silent. He didn’t know what his face looked like, but he knew it was unwise to push Yut Lung in that moment. He waited.

Long moments passed, Yut Lung remained firmly turned away from him, hands clasped tightly in his lap. Finally he spoke.

“I will not go after you,” he said stiffly, and like it cost him something. “I am not so burdened with leisure time as you might think that I would waste what I do have to chase you and that useless boy all the way to Japan.”

Ash felt his heart lighten. He nodded to acknowledge Yut Lung’s words, he considered thanking him, but then thought better of it. He didn’t think his thanks would be welcome. Ash got up and made for the door, he paused and turned back to Yut Lung, despite everything he had done to Ash, to Eiji, he didn’t hate him.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he said, and slipped through the door before he could see the look of surprise on Yut Lung’s face as Ash unknowingly echoed his teacher.

*** 

After that it was a matter of tying up loose ends. He said goodbye to his gang, Alex was the leader now, and Ash knew he could handle it. He wished he could dissolve the gang the way he had done Golzine’s company. That he could get all his boys off the streets, back to school, and make sure that they all went straight, so to speak. But he couldn’t. The most he could do for them was remind them of their worth, of what they had meant, and still did mean to him. He thanked them for their loyalty, told them sincerely that he would miss them, and made more than one of his boys cry. It was a rarity in their world for a leader to “step down,” you stopped being the head of a gang when you died; there were almost no exceptions.

He spent the night before he left for Japan with his gang, one last time. They drank, played cards, ate pizza, made ridiculous bets, and teased each other endlessly. At no point had Ash actually said he was going to Japan, but all the boys seemed to take it for granted that he would. They wished him a safe flight and told him slyly to say hi to Eiji for them, waggling eyebrows and winking at him. Drunk on cheap beer and elation they didn’t fear his temper like they usually did, and Ash found he enjoyed the new ease they had with him.

It made him feel like just another one of them. He used to cling to his cool untouchable façade, it was easier to set himself apart, protect his feelings, his body, and his sanity. But, now he found he was open, he wanted these connections; he wanted them because Eiji made him want them.

Ash woke up blurry eyed, with a dull headache reminding him why he didn’t drink. He looked at the clock, it was 5:30 am, his flight left in a little over two hours. Ash’s things were already packed, what little he was taking with him. He only needed to wash up and put on fresh clothes, this took him about five minutes.

He had spent the night with his gang, all of them piled into one hangout, sleeping on any available surface. Ash was eerily silent as he picked his way across the room to the door. Once he was there he paused and looked out at the room, he felt a tug in his chest, but he smiled, it didn’t feel like goodbye forever.

Once at the airport check in and security were a breeze. Ash knew how to play respectable young man, and he had paid a small fortune for his documents. All that was left to do now was wait.

Ash had called Eiji the day before, before he had gone to say goodbye to his former gang. Hearing his voice over the phone had been strange in a surprisingly pleasant way. Eiji’s voice in his ear, warm, and deeper than he remembered, his accent nowhere near as pronounced as it had been when they had first met, but still present. Ash told him what time his plane landed; he gave Eiji his flight information, and confirmed his address. Eiji lamented that he couldn’t meet Ash at the airport, but said he would meet him at the train station in Izumo.

Ash was smiling the whole time they spoke. He could hardly wait to see his friend again.

Friend was maybe not the right word for what Eiji was to him. Ash sat on the plane, now four hours into his flight, and considered. What was the right term for him? Friend wasn’t quite right, boyfriend? Ash felt his face warm a little as the word came into his mind, he silently mouthed the word, trying it out. It didn’t feel right to decide that on his own, and anyway it felt inadequate, it wasn’t enough for what Eiji was. What else was there? Partner wasn’t right; they weren’t exactly lovers, though they could be.

Ash closed his eyes and thought about that long ago kiss. He had thought about it a lot in the time they spent together. It was a cherished old memory, edges worn smooth with constant handling, and it felt familiar to call it up. Though that kiss had been for show, and a means to an end, sometimes it was all he could think about as he lay in bed at night. The taste of Eiji’s mouth, his hot breath, the feel of him sweetly surrendering. The thought of a physical relationship with Eiji was as exciting as it was terrifying. It was difficult for Ash to reconcile the idea of sex being anything other than selfish taking. He thought his desire should have died the first time someone put hands on him as if they had any right to. Even the times he had gotten any sexual pleasure from encounters he had always felt disgust and self-loathing afterward. No one had cared that it was _him_ , that it was Ash specifically they held, they just cared that he was a body they could fuck.

He thought about Eiji, warm and naked, willing, and Ash’s body _wanted._ Would it be possible for him to touch Eiji, let Eiji touch him, without feeling all the other hands that had taken from him without regard?

He didn’t know, but he prayed to anyone or anything that was listening that it would be different with Eiji. Kind, loving Eiji, it had to be.

He shook his head a little and carefully put those thoughts away. He would need to talk to Eiji. Ash was almost sure Eiji was attracted to him, but until he knew for certain sex was something Eiji wanted too it was all a moot point.

Ash considered again what he could call Eiji. Then he remembered Plato. While the Greek philosophers weren’t really Ash’s favourites, he couldn’t deny that they contributed interesting and valuable concepts. Plato’s idea of the soul mate in particular came to mind. The idea that Eiji’s soul was part of his own soul felt true. Ash never felt more like himself than when he was with him, he never felt more at peace, and his heart was never quite as full as when Eiji was there. Soulmate. Ash might never say it out loud, that was just too embarrassing, but he could cradle the word in his heart, keep it close, and revel in the joy of having found his missing half.

Ash occupied his time on the plane reading and sleeping. He did both in intervals. Flying felt a little like riding in a car, only when they hit turbulence Ash had to grit his teeth and force his mind to think about something other than the possibility of crashing. He had a vague sense of dread in the back of his mind that he resolutely ignored ever since he had decided to be with Eiji. A little voice told him what he was doing was impossible. Something would get in his way, something would happen to ensure Ash didn’t reach Eiji. He had been strangely on edge for the three weeks it had taken him to leave New York. Now he thought he almost wouldn’t be surprised if the plane crashed, if the universe took out all these passengers and flight crew just to make sure he didn’t get what he wanted, make sure he wasn’t happy.

Ash forcefully shoved those thoughts away. He focused on reading his Japanese phrase book. Eiji had taught him only a few words, and boy, was Japanese ever different from English. Ash was a fast learner, he had passable Spanish and some French, but Japanese was an entirely different experience. It had three different alphabets, what could they possibly need three of them for? Ash grumbled a little in his mind, imagining Eiji’s mock affront if he were to say that to him. Ash smiled as he played out that daydream, successfully distracting himself from the unsettling turbulence.

After thirteen long hours, a successful landing, and painfully slow exit from the plane, Ash found himself boarding a train to Izumo. He slept in fits and starts, he was fatigued from the travel, but he kept worrying he would fall deeply asleep and miss his stop. By the time Ash reached his stop, he was glad to be off simply for the joy of standing. He had just spent a whole day sitting and his body was not happy about that.

Now that he was at the station his body remembered why it had just been put through that whole ordeal. He was nervous. It took Ash aback, he had actual butterflies in his stomach at the thought of seeing Eiji again, it was stupid, and he scolded himself for it, but there it was.

Ash made his way to the South West exit where Eiji said he would be and tried to calm down. He scanned the crowd of people for a familiar face and suddenly realized how much he stood out, it was a little unnerving. It wasn’t like Ash wasn’t used to being looked at, but he knew that everywhere he went he would be singled out, an obvious outsider, it would be impossible to blend in.

“Ash!”

Ash’s heart practically stopped, and then started again double time. He knew that voice.

He turned toward the source, and sure enough, Eiji was there, coming from a side entrance. Ash smiled as he moved to meet the other man, his eyes never left Eiji’s face, and he was smiling too. When they finally stood in front of each other Eiji suddenly looked away and behind him, just when Ash was about to reach out to him, Ash looked too. A young woman and older man stood behind Eiji looking at Ash with open curiosity.

Eiji motioned behind himself; he glanced at Ash a little shyly before he spoke.

“Ash, this is my sister, Sakura, and my father, Hajime Okumura.” They both bowed and said, Ash was pretty sure, Japanese for “Nice to meet you.”

Ash bowed too, his movement graceful, hiding his nervousness to be meeting Eiji’s family. Somehow the fact that he would be meeting them all had completely slipped his mind.

“ _Hajimemashite_ ,” Ash said in accented Japanese, doing his best to imitate the way Eiji’s family had said the word. He chanced a glance at Eiji and saw that he was grinning.

“Nice,” he said, eyes alight, “you’ve been studying, eh? _Jouzu, nee_?”

Ash didn’t know what that meant, but his family clearly had their opinions about whatever Eiji had said, because they both remarked on it at the same time, they all smiled at him. Ash did his best not to fidget under their smiling faces. He was unused to this kind of situation, even though he didn’t really know what this kind of situation was, but he wanted desperately for them to like him.

Eiji’s father said something turning to his son. Eiji nodded and then smiled again at Ash. He took hold of Ash’s sleeve, his touch light and barely there, Ash had the impression of shyness again.

“Let’s go,” Eiji said.

The car ride was punctuated by questions from Eiji’s sister, Sakura, which Eiji translated. Had he ever been to Japan before? No. Did he like rice? Yes. Spicy food? Sometimes. How tall was Ash? Six feet. Was that tall for New York? About average. Was he in school? No. Did he have a girlfriend? No.

At this last Eiji said something to his sister, somewhat sharply, to which their father added something else, and Sakura’s questions stopped. She wasn’t sullen, and didn’t look abashed; Ash suspected that the onslaught of questions would start again eventually. He didn’t really mind them, he just worried he wouldn’t be able to properly answer some of them, and he didn’t want to lie to Eiji’s family, at least not more than he had to.

He looked over at Eiji and gave him a grateful smile, Eiji smiled too, not quite meeting his gaze, and quickly looking back to his hands folded neatly in his lap. Ash tried not to read too much into that reaction, but he couldn’t help the twinge of hurt he felt that Eiji wouldn’t even meet his eyes.

The Okumura’s had a lovely little home in a suburban neighbourhood. The streets were narrow, but there were designated bike lanes on most streets and there were people of all ages making good use of them. Ash had been in this neighbourhood for all of one minute but he already understood why Eiji had desperately wanted to bring him here, it was so _peaceful._ Ash hadn’t known a place to hold such an innate sense of peace since he was very young.

The Okumura’s ushered Ash into their home, past the gate that came up to Ash’s waist, past a little drive way, and to the front door that was roughly as tall as Ash was. He would have to make a mental note to duck when he walked in and out of rooms in Izumo, and probably all of Japan, really. He felt a little funny walking with the small family, he could see the tops of everyone’s heads, and they all had to tip their heads back to look at his face. It felt a little like being the only adult in a group of children.

Ash took off his shoes without prompting when he entered the house, he didn’t notice the way Eiji beamed at him as he did. Mr. Okumura led him into a small sitting room with plush carpet, a low table in the centre, two small couches, and a modest little TV. Eiji went ahead of him and grabbed cushions from a neat stack in the corner and placed them around the low table, he sat down on one and gestured for Ash to sit on the other. Ash didn’t hesitate and Eiji smiled down at the table.

Mr. Okumura said something, obviously to Eiji, since he replied.

“My father says that he will check on lunch, you must be hungry, right? Would you like tea, or water, or something else to drink?” Again, Eiji didn’t quite meet Ash’s eye when he spoke, Ash tried not to feel troubled by it.

Ash looked over to Mr. Okumura, and smiled his thanks, then turned back to Eiji.

“Tea is fine, and yeah, I haven’t eaten in hours.”

Eiji nodded and translated for his father who left for the kitchen taking Sakura with him.

“What do I call your parents?” Ash asked after a moment of somewhat awkward silence. It was a strange experience; silences between them had rarely ever been awkward.

Eiji considered for just a moment before he said, “Okumura-san.”

“For both of them? Isn’t that confusing?”

Eiji shrugged a little, “It should not really be a issue, but maybe I can ask if they mind you using their first names? It is not usually polite for younger people to speak like that though.” Eiji explained, speaking to his hands, and then a point around Ash’s shoulders.

“Eiji – “ Ash began, but he was interrupted by the arrival of the rest of the Okumuras.

Eiji’s mother was the smallest of them, small and petite, Ash felt like a barbarian next to her. She smiled at him warmly, bowing and welcoming him. Ash bowed in return and she laughed pleasantly, beaming at him. She said something to Eiji that made him blush, he replied, cheeks red, but his mother seemed to insist.

A little drily Eiji said, “My mother says you have good manners and,” a breath, “you’re very good looking.” Ash wished Eiji would look at him, that they could exchange a look of amusement here like they had on so many other occasions. Was Eiji regretting bringing him here, with his family?

Ash bowed his head again and smiled with genuine warmth at Mrs. Okumura. “ _Arigatou gozaimasu,_ Okumura-san.”

Mrs. Okumura laughed again, light, and happy, and the rest of the family seemed to make approving comments. After that the food was brought in, Ash strained to understand individual words that were spoken, he managed to recognize one or two things that didn’t reveal the meaning of what was being said, he clearly needed to put serious time into studying. Eiji was official translator, but it was obvious his sister understood a fair amount of what Ash was saying.

“I need time,” Sakura explained when he asked if she understood, “to understand-?” She cut herself off and said something to Eiji who supplied, “’get used to’ how you talk.” Ash nodded, he supposed he probably had his own way of speaking that might not sound like her teachers or any shows she watched.

Lunch was light and delicious and when they were done Ash didn’t hesitate to say “ _Gochisousama deshita,”_ along with everyone else, that much he had learned from his reading on the plane. More impressed looks and comments from Eiji’s family, Ash felt fairly proud and grinned at Eiji. Their eyes met for the first time since the train station and Ash watched as Eiji’s whole face turned red. He jumped up and explained that he had to get his room ready and dashed off. Ash sat where he was, a little stunned.

He turned to Sakura who was smiling at him knowingly. Ash ignored that and inquired politely, “Can I help with anything?” Sakura shook her head and told him that Eiji’s room was up the stairs, second door on the right. Taking that as a cue to depart Ash got up, put away the cushion he had been sitting on, like he saw the others do, and made his way to Eiji’s room.

The door was slightly ajar and Ash could hear rustling and the sound of Eiji muttering to himself. Ash smiled a little, he had missed Eiji’s muttering. He rapped softly on the door, pushing it open a little as he did so, and watched as Eiji jumped at the sound. He turned to face him and looked thoroughly flustered.

Ash glanced around the room, it was small and cluttered, but the most interesting aspect of it were all the pictures on the wall. There were artful murals of photographs around Eiji’s room, landscape pictures that were grouped by colour making a rainbow on the wall to Ash’s left. There were pictures of Eiji and his family on and near the small desk on the corner, a small stack of books on the floor next to it, and there were pictures of cityscapes Ash didn’t recognize, and one that was as familiar to him as his heartbeat, New York City. Next to these were pictures Eiji had taken at Cape Cod, of his gang, and of himself.

“Ash,” Eiji said, bringing his attention back to the young man in front of him.

He was standing next to a small bed that was pushed against the far wall, at his feet was a futon, neatly spread out, in his hands Eiji was holding a small pillow, and it looked like he was holding it rather tightly.

“It is small,” Eiji began, “I know, but I hope you will be comfortable. Sorry I cannot offer more, but if you need anything I will do my best – this pillow is my favourite, I thought it might be comfortable for you,” he placed it on the bed behind him turning only slightly. “There is water in the bath, if you would like, and, ah, I have clothes you could wear as pajamas, though we are not the same size, still, maybe? And your bag…oh, you did not bring it up? I will go get it.” Eiji moved quickly, and Ash caught his arm when he was about to walk passed him.

“Eiji,” Ash said softly, forcing the words out, “do you not want me here?”

“ _Ehhh_?” Eiji looked comically surprised, his brown eyes huge. “Why would you say that?” Now he looked upset. “Of course I want you here! Ash Lynx, why would you ask me that?" 

Ash looked down at his hand on Eiji’s arm, he let it slowly make it’s way down Eiji’s arm, his touch light, letting Eiji pull away if he wanted to, he didn’t. Ash took his hand, gently lacing their fingers together.

“You won’t look at me,” Ash said, and Eiji’s eyes moved from their hands to Ash’s face, finally meeting his gaze. “I figured maybe you changed your mind about inviting an ex-gangster into your family’s house.” Ash tried to keep his tone light, but he could hear the hurt in his own words.

Eiji shook his head emphatically and held on more tightly to Ash’s hand.

“No, no!” Eiji said, he looked sincere, Ash wanted to believe him. “No that is not – “ Eiji paused, looking away and biting his lip. His cheeks slowly turned pink. He took a deep breath and looked back up, looking directly into Ash’s eyes. “I am nervous,” he explained. Ash must have looked surprised, but Eiji continued, not looking away. “It feels different, having you here, I feel like…” Eiji’s cheeks turned a deep becoming red. “Like I am bringing my lover to meet my parents. I think they can all see my feelings on my face when I look at you. I have been trying not to.” Now Eiji let his gaze drop, he did look nervous, apprehensive, even a little guilty, like he thought Ash might be upset with him.

Ash was not upset, his heart was beating fast, and he thought he sounded a little breathless when he asked. “What are your feelings?”

Eiji looked back up at him, he smiled a little, shyly. “I told you, in the letter. I said so many things, but Ash you say nothing, it is your turn.” Eiji looked at him, hopeful.

He was shaking a little, or maybe that was Eiji, maybe they both were. Ash felt ridiculous, he was supposed to be the experienced one, the jaded aloof one, but his heart was racing with the thought of what he was about to do.

Carefully, Ash put his free hand on Eiji’s cheek, elated when Eiji leaned into the touch. Then slowly, slowly he bent down. Eiji watched him with eyes half lidded; they slipped closed when Ash kissed him.

It was nothing like their first kiss, that had been showy, and functional. This - this was for Eiji as much as it was for Ash. It was sweet and slow, and it made Ash feel like he had swallowed warm honey. His body tingled all over, and when he tilted his head Eiji opened his mouth. The kiss deepened, he didn’t even notice when they had let go of each other’s hands, but they had, and Eiji’s arms were around his neck, Ash’s had gone around his waist. Ash never wanted to stop kissing him.

Distantly a part of his mind registered that this was a good sign in terms of any possible future sexual relationship, but for now this was enough, more than enough. After a long moment, Eiji pulled away, sucking on Ash’s lower lip as he did so, Ash groaned. They gazed at each other, cheeks flushed; they breathed each other’s air. They were smiling.

Ash felt like he should take the lead here, from Eiji’s kisses, he clearly didn’t have a lot of practice, not that Ash minded. Still, he had never really been in this position, what happened after your first kiss when you weren’t working toward sex?

“I like you, Ash Lynx. _Dai suki._ ” Eiji said, his voice quiet, filling only the space between them. The confession hit Ash square in the chin, his guard completely down he took the full brunt of it. His heart was overflowing, he vaguely wanted to tell Eiji to stop, there was no way he could handle more.

Ash kissed him again, lightly, dizzy with the fact that he _could_ , and then buried his face in the space between Eiji’s neck and shoulder. He felt Eiji place a small kiss to his neck, and take a deep breath. Ash wanted to melt into him; he wanted to condense himself and his feelings into something that he could give Eiji, so he could keep Ash forever.

They held each other for some time, both of them needing it. Eiji broke the silence first.

“Ash, you should sleep, you must be tired.” He pushed away very gently, the motion hardly even jostled Ash, but he let Eiji go, not without reluctance. Eiji was looking at him with his warm, beautiful brown eyes; Ash would never understand why brown eyes were deemed boring. To Ash Eiji’s eyes were more beautiful than all the décor in the Lee manor. “Do you want me to stay with you?”

That was, in fact, exactly what Ash wanted. He felt like a child whose parent was graciously indulging him. He didn’t care.

Ash nodded.

Eiji smiled at him and motioned for him to go on. He did, Ash made to kneel down on the futon when Eiji grabbed his shirt. A little startled, Ash shot him a look.

“What do you think you are doing? You think I offer you futon when you can sleep on the bed? Ash, I thought you were smart.” Eiji scolded, he had let go of Ash’s shirt and had his hands on his hips.

“I’m not just gonna take your bed from you! I didn’t come here so you’d have to sleep on the floor! It’s your bed, you sleep there!” Ash insisted, realizing that if they didn’t have this fight now, they would inevitably have it at night.

“You did not come to sleep on my bed, you say. What did you come for? To argue? You are always so stubborn! Use the bed, you are the guest! I put my foot down!” And Eiji really did stomp his foot.

There was a pause where they looked at each other, eyebrows drawn, and mouths in hard lines. Then the corner of Eiji’s mouth twitched, then they were both smiling, and suddenly they were laughing. They laughed and laughed, the situation itself was a little funny, but for some reason they couldn’t stop laughing, like it was the most hilarious joke either of them had ever heard. They leaned on each other, and caught their breath as the laughter died down.

Eiji, still chuckling, shook his head a little. He reached up and pushed Ash’s bangs out of his eyes. “Please use my bed, Ash.” He pleaded softly.

Ash couldn’t bring himself to say no, he nodded. He moved to the bed, pulling back the blanket and settling himself in. He slid over and pressed himself as closely as he could to the wall and looked at Eiji expectantly. The other man smiled, he shook his head fondly and went to lie in the space Ash left for him. It was a tight fit, the bed was certainly not meant for two, but Ash liked it. He liked the fact that Eiji was pressed against him, that he could feel the heat from his body all along his own.

“No sleeping for a long time, nap only. You will make your jetlag worse if you do,” Eiji warned, lying on his back, he turned his head to look at Ash who was watching Eiji, lying on his side. They were so close Eiji barely had to raise his voice to be heard. “When I wake you, you have to get up, no extra five minutes.”

Ash pretended to be put out. “You’re pretty bossy you know. I thought I was the guest, shouldn’t you do what I ask?”

“Pouting does not work on me,” Eiji said, and Ash had to fight not to smile. “And, I am doing what you ask, I am here,” he gestured to the bed, “and – “ Eiji smiled soft and happy. “I will stay with you, forever.”

Ash closed his eyes. He let the words wash over him, he let the feelings stirring up inside him have free reign, there was no point in trying to sort through them, they could just have him.

“Good,” Ash said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eiji has a mural of photos in his room that are colour coded like a rainbow because I am a master of subtle symbolism. Get it? He's gay. Also, that Plato stuff? Not at all heavy handed, right? Just the right amount of obvy...
> 
> I am and will continue to be so damn self indulgent with this fic. I need it so bad. 
> 
> I hope this is mending some broken hearts, helping you heal like it's helping me. Stay tuned for more antics in Japan, more boys being soft, and more of my master class symbolism, and metaphors.


	3. If it's you...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soft boys being domestic, and Ash is reminded of unpleasant aspects of his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, thank you so much for the kudos and comments! Everyone is so nice and good :') Reading the comments makes me feel like we're all just reaching out to each other for comfort through fic, and I mean, yeah. It reminds me of that "Same Hat" meme, except we're all sobbing. 
> 
> Some things of note here, I, uh, totally forgot Eiji has a dog, and it's too late to put them in so...I'll see what I can do later. 
> 
> Also, note that "sexual content" has been added to the tags, that's a thing at the end of this chapter. TW at the end too for mentions of past abuse, please keep that in mind. Also, also, I might change the rating to Explicit, this chapter is not the end of the sexual content, I'm not sure if people are here for that, but I'm at least partly here for that, so yeah, that's a thing.
> 
> And now, chapter 3!

 

 

Now I know the man that you are

You're wonderful so far

And it's more than I hoped for 

-Billy Joel “The Longest Time”

They fell into a sort of rhythm, days passed with comfortably predictable patterns. Eiji and his mother made breakfast, they all ate, got ready, and went out. Eiji took Ash around his hometown. They visited his childhood schools, the little apartment block he lived in when he and Sakura were much younger, his favourite convenience stores, temples, shrines, libraries, the local museum, anywhere and everywhere Eiji thought Ash might find remotely interesting. Ash listened attentively when Eiji told him about places, Eiji did his best to add facts, what he could remember of history and stories he had heard about certain places. He did his best to play host, he genuinely wanted to share Izumo with Ash, and he very much wanted Ash to like it.

Everywhere they went Ash got looks. Women giggled behind their hands, men stared mouths slightly agape. Eiji wanted to tell them to take a picture, it would last longer. He didn’t, instead he tried block their line of sight, or usher Ash away, he didn’t like that they seemed to view Ash like a spectacle. Eiji felt protective, he didn’t like that people were looking at Ash like _that_ , they didn’t get to do that, see him as an attraction that happened to have human shape that was notably different from their own. Ash however, either he didn’t notice or he didn’t care, most likely the latter, and he didn’t say anything. He acted like it was just the two of them, and he walked like he always did, self-assured, cool, and with enviable grace.

They spent their afternoons in libraries. There were two that they frequented on rotation; Ash liked those two in particular. Eiji helped Ash study Japanese. They worked out of phrase books, Ash’s accent was ridiculously endearing. They made flash cards, Ash wrote out characters, memorizing hiragana and katakana with a speed that should not have surprised Eiji. Ash learned everything quickly. Kanji was harder, it always was, and they started to make up little sayings, or general word associations to help Ash remember the meaning of certain kanji.

“You do not need to know much kanji,” Eiji remarked one day as Ash wrote out the days of the week. His penmanship was rather good, Eiji noted with wry amusement. He followed the character strokes exactly, which was more than most adults did when they got comfortable, sometimes making their writing almost impenetrable.

“No,” Ash agreed, “but I find it interesting. What was ‘Friday’ again?”

“Kinyoubi,” Eiji answered him.

“Right,” Ash said absently, “angry house day.”

Eiji’s laughter surprised both of them, he quickly stifled it. They were in a part of the library that permitted conversations, but it was still impolite to be loud.

Ash smiled at him, “What?”

“That is my line,” Eiji said, still trying not to laugh, “what did you say?”

Ash laughed a little too, he smiled ruefully as he explained. “See the character for ‘kin’? I think it looks kind of like an angry house; it’s got a roof, and angry eyebrows. And it’s the character for ‘Friday’ so, it’s angry house day.”

Eiji laughed again, quietly this time, amused and incredibly fond. Ash was cute. It was a new luxury to think about Ash like that freely. Eiji had always tried to frame his thoughts in a more neutral tone, he didn’t want to give himself ideas, or feel like he was disrespecting his friend in his thoughts. But, things were different now. They were more than just friends, though that had probably been true for a long time now. Eiji didn’t know what it made them, but he didn’t think it particularly mattered, what mattered was what they felt, and that they wanted to stay together, that was enough for Eiji. He let himself gaze at Ash as the latter continued writing out the days of the week. He really was impossibly beautiful, pale hair, pale skin, bright green eyes, pretty pink mouth. Eiji had kissed that mouth.

He looked away, feeling a blush creep up his neck. After that first time they had squished into Eiji’s bed they had decided it made more sense to sleep separately, but Ash or Eiji kept waking in the night looking for the other, and they ended up piling blankets onto the floor next to the futon and sleeping there together. Eiji would wake up with his face pressed into Ash’s throat, or the back of his neck, his chest, and his head would be filled with Ash’s warm lovely scent, it was a wonderful way to wake up.

Eiji always gave himself exactly thirty seconds to luxuriate in the feeling of waking up next to Ash, and then he would get up and leave. Mostly he was nervous, but he was also scared of staying like that for too long. At night they shared slow sweet kisses until Eiji ducked his head, smiling, and they went to sleep. But, in the morning, when Eiji would wake up with Ash’s body flush against his, he had woken up more than a little excited almost every day Ash had been there. He didn’t want to make Ash uncomfortable, and more than anything, he desperately didn’t want Ash to do anything he wasn’t ready for.

Another hour at the library and it was time for lunch, Eiji was slowly taking Ash on a food tour through Izumo. He was immensely pleased by how much Ash liked Japanese food, as was every server, chef, cook, and restaurant owner who saw Ash eat with obvious relish.

“What do you feel like having?” Eiji asked as they walked down the street. They sometimes biked around town, but they had decided to stay within walking distance that day.

Ash considered for a moment, “Katsudon,” he said.

Eiji smiled, “You eat like this too much, you’ll get fat,” he teased. Really it was an improvement to his New York diet of hot dogs and pizza.

Ash looked at him sidelong, “I won’t,” he said confidently. “But maybe we could eat at home more. Maybe you could teach me how to cook.” Ash said it casually, but Eiji could tell he really meant it.

“Yes!” Eiji said enthusiastically, making Ash smile. “I am _excellent_ teacher, you will see. You will be the best cook in no time. Leave it to me!”

Ash laughed, he reached out and tucked a lock of Eiji’s hair behind his ear. “I know, I look forward to it, _sensei_.” Eiji felt little tingles throughout his body at the touch; he tried not to pay attention to it. He made a face and Ash laughed again.

The next day they went to the grocery store. Ash loved looking around at all the unfamiliar items, Eiji only let him buy one new item of junk food when they went to the store, Ash would pout, and Eiji would push down the urge to kiss him.

Ash insisted on paying, at the cash the girl was obviously star struck looking at Ash. He greeted her politely and made a comment on the weather, practicing the phrases he had learned. The girl turned bright red and nodded; she couldn’t look Ash in the eye. Eiji watched this exchange with dry amusement, he almost felt bad for the girl.

At the house they started right away. They washed their hands, Ash flicking cool water on Eiji’s face when he turned at the sound of his name, Eiji made Ash wear his mother’s frilly flower patterned apron, Ash affected cool indifference, and then they got started.

“Stir fry,” Eiji announced, “is very easy to make.”

They were about a minute into chopping vegetables, Eiji had turned on the radio, and it played softly in the background, when Eiji realized they were both constantly pushing their bangs out of their eyes. They really were both in need of a haircut. Eiji put down his knife and brushed his hands on his apron.

“I will be right back,” he told Ash, already walking out of the kitchen. He hurried to his room where he rummaged around his desk for a moment, and then ran back down the stairs. In the kitchen Ash was still dutifully chopping bits of carrot.

Eiji walked up to Ash and motioned for him to lean down, Ash didn’t hesitate to obey, though he looked at Eiji curiously. Eiji reached up and carefully clipped Ash’s bangs to the side, exposing most of his pale forehead. Ash looked a little surprised, he obviously hadn’t expected Eiji to do that, and he watched as Eiji clipped back his own bangs, and then grinned at him.

“Now we can see,” Eiji explained. “Makes cooking much easier, lesson one.”

Ash laughed, still slightly hunched, “You’re cute,” he said, and kissed him.

Eiji felt a little thrill go through him; he wondered if that would ever go away, he hoped it didn’t. Ash always kissed him gently, slowly, and so incredibly tenderly it made Eiji’s knees weak. Ash pulled away first, but not before he kissed Eiji’s cheek too.

“What’s next, teach?” He asked, grinning.

Eiji shoved him a little.

The scene was wonderfully domestic, almost painfully so. Back in New York Eiji had almost always been the only one in the kitchen cooking, and Ash would be working on something. He had felt a little like a housewife, sometimes, on very rare occasions he imagined that things were as domestic as they seemed. Ash the hard working income provider, and Eiji the homemaker, but that was a silly fantasy and Eiji never dwelled on it for long. Now things were different. Ash didn’t have to spend his day scheming, pouring over maps and old records, he didn’t have to take inventory of guns and ammunition, or try to figure out the best plan of action that would keep the death toll low. Ash could be in the kitchen with Eiji, he could laugh freely with him, he could marvel at Eiji’s rice cooker, he could smile appreciatively at the smell of cooking vegetables, and they could have this without the sense that their time together was coming to an end.

When the food was done they sat down to eat. Both of them had taken off their aprons, but the hair clips remained.

“See? Easy, no?” Eiji said after the first bite.

Ash chewed and nodded. “Everything’s easy with a good teacher,” he said smiling. Ash was a shameless flirt.

Eiji shook his head and tried not to smile too big. “Is there anything you want to learn, anything specific?” He asked, before he took a drink of water.

Ash considered for a moment, “What’s your favourite food?”

“Natto.”

Ash grimaced and Eiji laughed.

“Hmmm,” Eiji thought seriously, there were so many things the loved. “Mackerel,” he decided, “first thing in the morning, mackerel with rice and _tamago_ , my favourite breakfast.”

“Then that’s what I want to learn to make,” Ash said, taking another bite. 

Shameless.

 

 

Sakura came home early that day and after they cleaned up they played cards. All three of them sat around the table in the living room, Ash and Eiji had taken off their hair clips and sat across from each other.

“You are bluffing, Ash Lynx,” Sakura said, assessing him with narrowed eyes.

Ash smirked behind his cards, but when he met her gaze it turned into an angelic smile, his eyes wide and innocent.

“I’m telling the truth." 

Eiji and Sakura exchanged a look; neither of them were buying it. They called him out and were both completely surprised that he had in fact been telling the truth. Ash won that hand and almost every other. Sakura won the last one because Eiji stopped trying to win himself and started concentrating on helping his sister.

“That’s cheating!” Ash accused.

“All is fair in love and war,” Sakura said without missing a beat. They gathered up the cards and Ash offered to get them all something to drink. As soon as Ash was out of earshot Sakura turned to her brother. “ _You love him_.” It wasn’t a question.

Eiji felt himself flush. He shuffled the cards in his hands, and nodded.

Sakura made a noise that sounded both pleased and amused.

“ _I knew it! The way you look at him, it’s written all over your face, onii-chan._ ” Eiji looked up at her.

“ _Do you think mom and dad know_?” He asked, already knowing the answer.

Sakura raised her eyebrows. “ _They’re not blind_ ,” she said.

Eiji sighed. He probably was incredibly obvious. Sakura reached out and put a hand on top of his, stilling his movements.

“ _Don’t worry, they’re just glad you’re happy. You were gone for two years, we were worried, and there were times we thought you might never come back. But you’re here now and_ ,” she grinned, a teasing light in her eyes, “ _you’ve brought back a beautiful American bride_.”

Eiji blushed harder and scowled at his sister, his embarrassment completely ruining the effect.

“ _Don’t be a brat_ ,” he said, no bite to his words.

Sakura laughed, and added, “ _We’re happy to have you back. We like him, if he makes you happy, than that’s what’s important. And anyway_ ,” she leaned back on her hands, “ _it’s obvious he loves you too_ , _he would die for you_.”

Eiji said nothing; Sakura didn’t know how right she was with that last bit. In that moment Ash reappeared carrying a small tray with drinks for them. He handed them out, a polite host.

“Shall we play again?” Ash asked, raising an eyebrow.

Sakura grinned at him, “Yes, and you will lose again, Ash Lynx.”

 

 

That night Eiji emerged from the bath slowly. He kept hearing his sister’s voice in his head. At dinner Eiji had observed his parents closely, they were polite and even fond when they addressed Ash. Ash himself was charming, especially when he worked at it, and Eiji thought it was safe to say his parents were charmed, but did they really not mind that their only son was in love with another man?

Eiji bit his lip and he toweled his hair. It was something he would have to deal with eventually, for now he hoped that his sister was right and things would be okay.

He left the bathroom and made his way slowly to his bedroom, his mind whirling with his thoughts. In his room Ash sat on the bed, Japanese phrase book in his lap, soundlessly trying out words. The sight was so endearing Eiji felt his tension drain out of him. Ash had showered earlier too, and his hair was still a little damp, he wore a baggy shirt and shorts like Eiji’s, and his reading glasses. It was a familiar sight, and yet the atmosphere around him was totally different. This wasn’t Ash Lynx dangerous gang leader, it was Aslan, the way he should have been all along.

Eiji was standing by the door, when he didn’t move further into the room, Ash looked up. There were times when Eiji looked at Ash and was struck again by all his feelings for him. Sometimes it would happen because Ash said or did something affectionate, and sometimes it was quiet moments like this when Ash was simple and heartbreakingly beautiful, and Eiji didn’t know how it was possible to feel so much for one person.

Ash raised his eyebrows and looked at him over the rim of his glasses.

“You’re staring.”

“You’re very beautiful,” Eiji said, thoughtlessly. He blushed hard immediately after. He felt a vague sense of déjà vu.

_'What is it? You’ve been staring at me.'_

_'It is nothing – well, even your eyelashes are also blonde.'_

“Eiji,” Ash said, taking off his glasses, and stretching to place them on the desk. “Come here,” he patted the space next to him on the bed.

Eiji closed the door behind him, then moved feeling unaccountably nervous. His thoughts were racing toward a very singular destination, and he desperately tried to stop them. There was no need to get nervous; he had to stop thinking like that. Eiji looked as his feet as he walked over and sat a little stiffly, his back against the wall the way Ash’s had been.

Ash moved, shifting closer to him.

“Eiji,” he said, voice a little lower than it had been a moment ago, “will you look at me?”

Eiji looked up, helpless not to. He thought everything he had been thinking was written across his flushed face. Ash was blushing too, light pink high on his cheeks, and Eiji marveled at it. Ash reached out carefully and brushed Eiji’s hair back, using that same movement to cup the side of Eiji’s face.

“You are too, you know? I thought so when we first met. That time in the prison, I told you come alone next time, remember? I really wouldn’t have minded if you had.”

Eiji felt his blush spread down his neck, he was warm all over with this revelation. He had thought about it too, after the way Ash had kissed him, it had been hard to stop thinking about it. It had felt wrong though, to think about his friend like that, especially after he found out everything that had happened to Ash, everything he had to endure. It seemed unfair and selfish for Eiji to think about Ash in that way, to close his eyes and feel that kiss again, to think about the way it might be if Ash touched him and didn’t stop.

Ash brushed his lips lightly over Eiji’s, it was a barely there touch, but it left Eiji trembling.

Eiji opened his mouth to say something, closed it, and tried again. He said the first thing that came to his mind.

“I do not want to hurt you,” Eiji said quietly, painfully honest.

There was surprise on Ash’s face, and then it melted into something soft and fond, he looked at Eiji like he couldn’t quite believe the fact of him.

“I don’t think you could. You’re too good, too kind, you won’t hurt me.”

“But, you will tell me if I do? If you want to stop? If – “

Ash chuckled breathily. “I will.” His green eyes shone in the dim light. Ash was looking at Eiji in a way he was only starting to become familiar with now.

“You want this?” Eiji asked, reaching out to touch Ash’s thigh, making his meaning explicit. His heart was racing.

“I want you.”

Eiji swallowed, mouth suddenly dry. “I – I do not know how…” he trailed off and gestured vaguely. The corner of Ash’s mouth quirked up.

“I know, I think it’s part of your charm. We’ll go slow, if you want?” Ash sounded unsure, like he thought Eiji might reject him. The thought was ludicrous.

“Yes.”

This time Eiji took the initiative and closed the space between them. His hands moved automatically to Ash’s hair, running damp silken strands between his fingers. Ash’s hands were on his waist and hip, the hand on his hip making small circles with his thumb. Eiji tilted his head and deepened the kiss. The first few times they kissed he had tried to copy Ash, and he still did, but now he let instinct guide him a little. When they drew apart he sucked lightly on Ash’s tongue drawing out a low groan from him. Ash’s hand slipped under the hem of Eiji’s shirt. The feel of his fingers gilding up the bare skin of his back made Eiji shiver.

A second later and Eiji had followed suit, both his hands under the fabric of Ash’s shirt, running lightly up and down his sides. He made his touch a little firmer and brought his hands over, palm flat, up to Ash’s chest. The young man made another noise when Eiji’s touch went over his nipples. Ash broke the kiss and looked at Eiji with dark eyes, the green a thin ring around blown out pupils.

“Can I touch you?” Ash asked, voice low and thick.

Eiji could only nod.

Ash kissed him, his hands running over Eiji’s thighs. Eiji was tense with anticipation; he had hardly dared believe Ash might want this with him, that it might be possible for them. Ash’s hand brushed over him and Eiji made a sound in the back of his throat. Ash broke the kiss and trailed his mouth along Eiji’s jaw, his neck, and touched Eiji more firmly. Eiji’s breath caught, the heat of Ash’s hand, even through his shorts, was exquisite. He traced the outline of him and Eiji was struck by the sudden need to feel Ash too.

He put his hand out blindly, following the line of Ash’s thigh up and was relieved and excited to find Ash was hard too. He made a noise and bit Eiji lightly on the neck, kissing the same spot before lifting his head. They were both breathing hard, their loud breaths the only sound in the room. They looked at each other dark eyed and flushed cheeked.

Ash leaned back so his back was against the wall, the way it had been when Eiji came into the room.

“Come here,” he said again.

This time Eiji understood exactly where his nerves came from, he felt unspeakably daring as he rose onto his knees and moved toward Ash, somewhat awkwardly placing a knee on either side of Ash’s hips. 

Ash’s hands went up to his waist, and he gently coaxed him to sit, pressing him close, Eiji’s hands automatically came up to hold onto Ash’s shoulders. They looked at each other, and then Eiji, deliberately and half braced for rejection, touched him. Ash’s eyes went half lidded at the touch; he bit his lip and glanced up at Eiji through his long blonde lashes.

He thought again about that conversation before.

' _Wanna check the hair down here?'_

He did. Thoughts about being perverted or wrong tried to break into his mind but they got no foothold, if it was with Ash it could only be beautiful.

Eiji wrapped his hand around Ash through the fabric of his shorts and the other man groaned, the sound low, heating Eiji from the inside out. They kissed again, and then Ash was touching him too, they were slowly stroking each other, and it was already more than Eiji had hoped for, but still not enough. Ash seemed to feel the same way, because a moment later he let go and slide his fingers under the waistband of Eiji’s shorts.

Eiji gasped at the sensation, he thought, vaguely, he should be embarrassed by the sounds he was making at Ash’s lightest touch, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He followed suit. Ash pulled away a little, and Eiji watched him with eyes hazy from desire. Ash tugged him up, and then lifted his hips to pull his shorts down. Eiji’s gaze was drawn irresistibly downward; Ash’s hair really was blonde.

Eiji swallowed reaching out before he knew what he was doing, taking hold of Ash’s cock, watching pre-cum bead at the tip. Eiji pressed his thumb there and then made a little circle spreading the wetness. Ash moaned, his forehead resting on Eiji’s shoulder.

“Fuck, Eiji.”

Eiji felt heat prick at the back of his neck, and run down his spine. In the next moment Ash had him in hand, his equally hard cock out and stroked by Ash’s expert hand. The sounds they made were quiet but they fell on Eiji’s ears like cries of passion, Ash’s moans and gasps were the best thing Eiji had ever heard, and god, he wanted more. He tried to keep a slow pace, but it was hard to concentrate when Ash’s touch took up so much of his attention.

Then Ash’s other hand was at Eiji’s back, pushing him up on Ash’s lap so he was pressed closer. Eiji went willingly; always glad to be as close as possible to Ash.

“Let me – “ Ash said, and he pressed them together, taking them both in hand.

The sensation of it was like nothing Eiji had imagined; nothing his inexperienced mind could have come up with would have been half as good. They both groaned when Ash began to stroke them, and Eiji couldn’t help the small jerks of his hips as Ash built a rhythm. He screwed his eyes shut, lost in the sensation, he tried to hold on but it was so good, too good.

“Ash,” he half whimpered, and he was coming. Eiji opened his mouth in a silent cry; the coiling heat in his stomach overflowing to send sparks of electricity throughout his body.

Ash worked him through it, drawing it out until Eiji made a small noise of protest. He let go of Eiji’s now soft and sensitive cock, but he was still hard. Eiji kissed him and put his hand over the head, thumb pressing down on the slit.

“Ash,” he murmured in his ear, voice shaky and breathless from climax, “Ash, I love you.”

Ash made a choked sound, one hand fisted in the material of Eiji’s shirt, and wetness spilled over their hands.

When Eiji felt like he could keep his balance, he rose on his knees and shuffled toward the edge of the bed and leaned over to his desk where a tissue box sat. He grabbed a couple, wiped his hand, and turned to Ash.

Eiji flushed hard at the sight of him, he felt stupid for this reaction, but how could he not be struck by Ash? Messy hair, dark eyes, breathing still uneven, and his shorts still pushed passed his hips. Ash was a dream.

Eiji put those thoughts firmly aside; he shuffled back over to Ash, took his hand, and gently wiped it clean. He cleaned him up as best he could, unknowingly communicating love and affection with his every touch that had Ash unable to look away from him.

When Eiji looked up, Ash seemed to be struggling for words. Finally, in a voice pitched low in an attempt to hide how it trembled Ash spoke.

“No one’s ever done that for me.”

At first Eiji didn’t understand what he meant, his mind went immediately to the act, but then he realized Ash meant the aftercare. Eiji felt a rush of feelings at that realization. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the anger. Of course not, a monster that preyed on children would not take the trouble to show a little damn consideration.

“If you feel disgusted I don’t blame you,” Ash said suddenly, and Eiji’s eyes snapped open. What was he saying? “I can’t even count how many times I’ve been used, I guess it’s pretty fucking gross to think about how many other men have been here before you, huh? Like using a dirty dish towel to wipe your hands,” Ash had turned his head away, still in his disheveled state; his eyes seemed to have filled with tears. “You would have to go so goddamn far back to get at me when I wasn’t just a whore – “

“ _Ash_ ,” Eiji’s voice shook. He hesitated, unsure about how his touch would be received, but he reached out and placed a hand on Ash’s shoulder. His heart was racing, this time in a kind of panic he tried not to show. It broke his heart to hear Ash saying these things, he felt beyond useless. He couldn’t take those experiences away from him, undo them, and erase them from Ash’s body. He would give up almost anything for that ability.

Ash didn’t shrug him off and Eiji brought his hand to Ash’s, lifting it and cradling it between both of his. Eiji’s own eyes shone with unshed tears.

“Whatever they did to you,” Eiji said, “it ruined them, but it never touched you. You are not the hands that have taken from you, Ash; you are your beautiful heart, the soul that calls to mine. Maybe you think these things, but it is your mind playing tricks, do not believe it.” Eiji paused to take a breath, speaking around the tears that choked his voice, “Even if it was true, it would change nothing, I would love you anyway.”

Ash was crying silently, he reached out and Eiji didn’t hesitate. He held him, Ash’s face buried in Eiji’s shoulder, his tears coming freely; there was no sound, just the slight shake of his shoulders. Eiji cried too, his heart breaking for Ash, his impudent rage for what had been done to Ash finding some release through his tears.

Eiji held Ash for a long while, stroking his hair and murmuring endearments to him in Japanese.

One last long shuddering breath and Ash pulled away, wiping at his tear stained face. Eiji gently detached himself and moved to grab more tissues. Ash took them gratefully, cleaning his face. When he was done Eiji reached out to gently brush back his bangs.

“I am sorry I cannot do more. If I could I would –“

“Don’t,” Ash cut him off. His red-rimmed eyes were serious. “You’ve done so much, you’re _doing_ so much and I…” He looked away, “Thank you.” He said, his gaze coming back to Eiji.

Eiji shook his head, and tried for a little smile.

“You save my life how many times but you thank me for tissue.”

A faint smile, it wasn’t much but Eiji took it. He took Ash’s hand tenderly, and placed a soft kiss on his knuckles.

“I will go get some water, then we go to bed, yes?”

Ash nodded. Eiji gathered up the used tissues and threw them in the garbage as he left the room.

He should have been ready for the tumult of emotions from Ash that would emerge from sex, but he had been so caught up in the pleasure of it he hadn’t really considered. Ash had seemed so eager, he had seemed to enjoy it just as much, Eiji thought maybe it was different enough with him that Ash wouldn’t make negative associations. It felt naïve and stupid. This was obviously an issue Ash would have to deal with for a long time, if not possibly forever. Eiji vowed to himself to be more considerate. He would read up on coping mechanisms for victims of abuse, he would ask Ash if he wanted to talk about it. He would ask him what he wanted; he would do his best to be a good partner. He didn’t know if Ash would want to speak to someone, a therapist maybe. Though finding an English speaking one might be difficult.

Eiji mulled over all these thoughts as he fetched the water and returned. Ash was curled up on their makeshift bed on the floor. Eiji kneeled on the blankets beside him.

“Water?” he asked.

A moment of silence before Ash slowly sat up. He drank half the glass and lay back down. Eiji put the cup on the desk, turned out the lights, and lay down too. He turned on his side looking at Ash’s back; a tentative touch on his side had Ash reaching behind him to pull Eiji’s arm around him. Eiji went gratefully; glad his presence and his touch were wanted in that moment. He wrapped himself tightly around Ash, and holding him close, they slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story time! The whole "angry house day" is actually taken from my time studying Japanese. We used to come up with some really ridiculous stuff to remember kanji. A friend of mine used to remember "kinyoubi" like that, saying it looked like an angry house, and his rationale is something I still remember very fondly. "It looks like an angry house, right? And what day is the house not angry? Friday, party day."
> 
> So, like, I deliberated for a long time about how to write that sex scene at the end there, and that's what I finally settled on. That's kind of all I have to say about that. 
> 
> I hope you'll stick around for chapter 4, and I hope you've enjoyed reading this, thanks so much for your support! (▰˘◡˘▰) ♥


	4. We are good people, and we've suffered enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ash and Eiji take a much deserved vacation, plus more soft domestic boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much to everyone commenting, kudosing, and waiting for my slow ass. God, this got pretty out of hand, as you can see by the word count. I only did some light editing, typos abound!
> 
> PLEASE NOTE: the rating has been changed to Explicit and this is NOT the final chapter! There's an epilogue after this, so please stick around for it!
> 
> Please enjoy!

I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall

And the greatest miracle of all

Is how I need you

And how you needed me too

 

Billy Joel “The Longest Time”

A pleasantly cool breeze rustled leaves on the tree, gently ruffling the hair of the young men lying under it, as they watched dappled sunlight stream through the branches. They lay on their backs, inches away from touching; Eiji lay with Ash’s sweater under his head, hands neatly folded on his stomach, Ash with his arms behind his head. They had gone for a bike ride, Ash had commented that it was a nice spot to relax in, and so they had dismounted, and rested. They had been quiet for some time, but neither of them seemed to mind. It was peaceful more than anything, they simply enjoyed the feeling of the earth beneath them, the glints of sun that passed over their faces, and the breeze that caressed them as it passed.

Deep slow breathing, both young men were almost asleep, both of them reluctant to break the silence or leave this peaceful moment. Eiji would gladly trade away all his earthly possessions for the ability to stay in this moment, with Ash. He had been in Japan for over a month now, but at times it still felt like a dream. Ash who was learning Japanese with single minded determination, who argued with Eiji’s parents to be allowed to buy groceries for the household, who insisted on helping his mom clean the house on weekends, who fell into an easy rapport with Sakura, and who smiled at Eiji like he meant the world to him.

Eiji closed his eyes and let himself feel gratitude, peace, and happiness so strongly his eyes pricked with tears. He had never felt anything like this. These emotions burned so bright in him it was almost frightening, because Eiji had so much to lose now, it seemed impossible he could really have all this, and it was his to keep.

“Eiji.” Ash’s voice, soft and low.

“Mm.”

“I was thinking.”

“Hm?”

“You’ve got to go back to school soon right?” A pause. “I was thinking…maybe we could…take a trip?”

Eiji opened his eyes; he turned his head to look at Ash. He was looking up at the tree, and his expression gave nothing away.

“Where do you want to go?” Eiji asked, smiling.

Ash turned to look at him; he smiled too.

“The library.”

At the library they looked at Japan travel books. Because of the kanji used in these books Eiji had to translate most of it, Ash took notes: place names, how far they were from Izumo, how much time it would take to travel there, names of recommended lodging, notable attractions, little known local spots, etc. They spent hours looking through books, going through all the places that seemed interesting, compiling a list of places they wanted to go, organized from where they most wanted to go to least. Eiji noticed that Ash wasn’t taking note of how much this trip would cost.

“Ash,” he broached, “this will be very expensive.”

Ash waved that away. “It’s fine.”

“Ash,” Eiji repeated, stern. Ash looked up from his notes, he looked at Eiji with some exasperation, but mostly amusement.

“Yes? What is it?” He had a little smirk on his mouth that told Eiji he already knew exactly what.

“It is a beautiful idea, but it is too much! We have to pick one or two places to go, we cannot – “

Ash rolled his eyes, still looking infuriatingly amused.

“Wrong,” he said smugly, “ _I_ can afford this. I want to do it. I can hardly think of anything better to do with this money than spend it on something I really want. Plus, it’s mine, I definitely worked for it.” He added, a little darkly.

Eiji frowned, not wholly convinced.

Ash sighed a little, finally letting go of his smugness; he looked at Eiji sincerely.

“I want to give you this, I want to give _me_ this. Wouldn’t you do the same, if you were me?”

That finally got Eiji, it’s true, he would. He would want to share everything he had with Ash, he had been trying to do just that since the day he met him.

“Okay,” Eiji relented. “But, still, not all these places, not enough time. We can always go to the others another time. Something to look forward to.”

They both smiled, and went back to planning.

*** 

“ _I can’t believe it!”_ Sakura trailed after Eiji as he took sweaters from his closet and folded them neatly into his suitcase. “ _It’s just so…unbelievable, you know? You haven’t even been back two months and you’re already leaving again! With your blonde American lover, no less!_ ” Eiji’s ears burned a little at this, but he didn’t let his expression change, he said nothing, letting his sister ramble on. “ _A trip around Japan like this is something we used to dream about, remember? I never thought_ you’d _be the one to go on this romantic trip with a handsome foreigner though_.”

Eiji shot her a very unimpressed look, Sakura laughed. “ _Don’t be like that, it’s just so crazy, but I’m really happy for you. Take lots of pictures, and bring me souvenirs, okay_?”

“ _Okay_ ,” Eiji replied. “ _Now, are you going to make yourself useful and help me_?”

Twenty minutes later and Eiji was looking over the contents of his suitcase, Sakura had indeed helped him, now she sat on his bed and swung her legs, smiling and shaking her head. Eiji kept getting the feeling he was forgetting something, but hopefully that was just in his head, he didn’t want to pack much, he didn’t want to have to carry around a heavy suitcase.

“ _How long are you gone for_?” Sakura asked, undoing the braid in her hair and then re-plaiting it expertly.

“ _Two weeks_. _Do you think threes pairs of socks is enough_?”

“ _For you? No. And however many pairs of underwear you’re taking, it’s not enough, bring more_.”

Eiji made a face at his sister, and she made one back. They bickered good-naturedly until they heard steps outside the door; Ash was back. He came into the room carrying plastic bags, which he deposited on the bed next to Sakura. She flashed her teeth at him, and he did the same. Eiji watched them a little bemusedly, they had taken to each other right away, and they had an easy rapport that Eiji couldn’t account for. They seemed relaxed around each other like they had known each other for years instead of only weeks.

Ash reached out and ruffled Sakura’s hair. She shrieked in protest.

“I just fixed it, Ash Lynx!” She said indignantly. Sakura also had a habit of calling him by his full name. He didn’t like it when she added an honorific.

“It looks better like this,” Ash teased. She stuck her tongue out at him, and got off the bed with great dignity.

“See if I will help you next time you want to know how to say nice things for my brother,” Sakura said as she walked out of the room in mock affront. She closed the door with barely a sound, a testament to the fact that she wasn’t really upset.

Eiji smiled slowly as he turned to Ash.

“What ‘nice things’ did you ask Sakura about?”

There was faint colour in Ash’s cheeks, Eiji marveled at it. Ash grumbled a little and turned to the bags he had brought with him with sudden and great purpose.

“Nothing – just – nothing.”

Eiji laughed and good-naturedly cajoled him, trying to get Ash to tell him what he had said. Ash stubbornly evaded while Eiji helped him pack his own bag.

Ash had gone to the store to get some things they wanted to take with them. The first stop was Hokkaido; they had snacks for the plane ride, bug repellant, sunscreen, Ash also bought a travel first aid kit.

Once the packing was done they went over their itinerary again, they left the next day, and they were both starting to get excited about it. They kept smiling at each other for no reason while they spoke. Ash had his arm around Eiji’s shoulders as they sat on his bed, backs against the wall, and went over their trip. This kind of closeness was habitual; they didn’t even think about it, they reached out to each other with the confidence of someone who had no question their touch would be accepted.

They only paused their planning when Eiji’s mother called them down for dinner. Just the day before Eiji and Ash had made dinner, croquettes, chicken cooked with sesame oil, and a salad. Ash smiled softly at the compliments, and Eiji beamed with the pride of a teacher showing off a star pupil. Now they all ate amicably, Ash’s growing knowledge of Japanese meant he could make small talk with Eiji’s parents. He did his best to practice everything he’d learned, and Eiji’s parents patiently and kindly corrected him or helped him complete sentences when and if he needed it.

“ _How was your commute today, Okumura-san_?” Ash asked politely, addressing Mr. Okumura.

“ _Not bad, there weren’t very many people on the train today, I got to sit for most of the ride. And, the weather was nice_.” He replied, taking care to enunciate clearly.

Ash nodded, “ _That is good_. _Commute is long, good to sit_. _Very nice weather, yes. I love it. It is my favourite_.”

Eiji smiled into his food. He found Ash’s Japanese helplessly endearing. His accent had gotten better, he was learning more complex sentences, and he could get his thoughts across, which really, was the whole point of language.

“ _Do you have everything ready for your trip, Ash_?” Mrs. Okumura asked. Ash had managed to convince Eiji’s parents to call him by his first name only; Eiji was still surprised they had agreed to it.

“ _Yes, everything is ready. I am very excited to go and to see new places._ ”

The elder Okumura’s nodded. The rest of their dinner passed pleasantly, and when they were done Sakura was asked to go clean up, and Eiji and Ash were asked to stay. Eiji didn’t think anything of it. He assumed his parents wanted details about the trip, and he didn’t blame them. The last time he had gone anywhere he had turned a trip that should have been only about a week long into two years, and they knew Ash was at least partly responsible for that.

The young men waited for the elder Okumuras to speak. Mr. Okumura spoke first, slowly, and thoughtfully.

“ _We are very glad to have our son back_ ,” Mr. Okumura began, “ _there were times we thought we might not see him again. We do not blame you, Ash, we are only explaining how we felt._ ”

“ _We knew that if Eiji-kun stayed, it was for good reason. And, if he stayed for someone, then that someone was special._ ” Mrs. Okumura added.

Eiji felt a cold prickle run down his spine. He had a feeling he knew where this conversation was going, and he hadn’t really prepared himself or Ash for it. He bit his lip and said nothing, he hoped and prayed instead.

“ _Ibe-san explained some of what happened to us. We don’t pry, we understand that some things aren’t meant to be shared, and in the end, Eiji-kun is an adult now, we raised our son well, and we trust him to make good decisions._ ” Now he looked directly at Ash, and Eiji wasn’t sure how much of what was being said he understood. “ _Even if Ibe-san hadn’t mentioned you to us, Ash, we would be able to understand how important you are to our son from looking at the two of you._ ” Mrs. Okumura nodded in agreement. “ _We have seen your looks, the way you are different around each other, and nothing could be plainer._ ”

“ _We can’t let things keep going like this_ ,” Mrs. Okumura continued for her husband, they shared a look, their expressions unreadable. Eiji felt Ash tense beside him. “ _We take our roles as parents very seriously, and you will understand that we have faced the idea of losing our son recently, and we value his safety and happiness more than ever._ ” They exchanged another look. Then they got up from where they sat around the low table in the living room, they moved over to the open space, and knelt side by side. Eiji watched with growing disbelief and amazement.

They bowed low, hands together by their heads that touched the carpeted floor.

Mr. Okumura spoke again. “ _We can see you care for our son, we ask you, humbly, please take care of him. Be kind to him, he obviously cares for you too. We only want our son’s happiness. As his parents, we ask you to please treat him gently, and we are forever thankful to you for what you have done and continue to do for him. We could not let another day go by without thanking you sincerely and humbly._ ”

Eiji pressed his hand to his mouth, his vision blurring with the tears in his eyes. He looked at Ash. He sat frozen staring at the elder Okumuras, there were tear stains on his cheeks. Ash wiped at his face with the sleeve of his shirt. He looked at Eiji, his expression seemed a little helpless.

“I – I don’t know if I can say what I mean in Japanese.” Ash said, and then asked quickly. “They did just, um, give us their blessing, right?”

Eiji gave him a watery smile. “Yes. Say what you want to say, I will translate for you, Ash.”

Ash nodded, took a deep breath, and spoke.

“Eiji saved my life,” he began. “He came at a time when I needed a friend the most, I never dreamed anyone would care about me for me, but he did. He saw good in me when no one else did, when even I didn’t. Without him, I would have died a long time ago; and I’d have no reason to keep living. I can never repay him for that, I can never repay the trust you’ve shown in me, but I promise, I swear on my life, I will always be there for Eiji, for as long as he wants me.” Ash spoke clearly, and Eiji had to pause a few times to swallow around the lump in his throat as he translated. He couldn’t help the tears of happiness that ran down his face too.

The Okumuras slowly got up, they were smiling, and Mrs. Okumura had tears in her eyes as well. After that they all bowed again, and the elder Okumuras bade the young men good night, safe trip, as they most likely wouldn’t see them in the morning, and went to their room for the night.

Ash and Eiji sat in stunned silence for a moment. They wore twin expressions of astonishment, and they just stared at each other as they processed what had just happened. Eiji reached out, and Ash took his hand, they clung to each other.

“I did not – “ Eiji began, he had to clear his throat and try again. “I did not think they would do this,” he gestured. “I was going to talk to them, I just did not think they would talk to us first, and say all that.” Eiji sniffed, and blinked to keep his eyes from tearing up again.

Ash was looking down at their joined hands. He ran his thumb along Eiji’s knuckles.

“I didn’t catch a lot of what they said, will you tell me?” He asked.

Eiji did, as much as he could remember, as accurately as he could, Eiji relayed everything his parents had said. Ash was smiling a little when he was done. He was looking at Eiji so fondly.

“It’s no surprise they’re your parents.” Ash said. “I – I’m really happy.”

“Me too,” Eiji confessed, he voice coming out in a whisper.

They were gazing at each other. The kiss happened sweetly, irresistibly. Since that time in Eiji’s room, when Ash had broken down, they hadn’t done anything like that again. They kissed slow and simple, much like they did now, only this time Ash was deepening the kiss. There were so many feelings being communicated between them in that moment, and Eiji was more than happy to let things stay like this if it was what Ash wanted or needed. There were so many things Eiji wanted, but none of them mattered so much as Ash by his side, Ash happy, and choosing to be with him. 

 

 

“This is my second time on an airplane,” Ash said. They were on their way to Hokkaido; the trip was just under four hours by plane. They were flying economy, which was Ash’s concession to Eiji.

“This is my,” Eiji paused to count, “fifth time. I went to Okinawa for my high school graduation trip by plane,” he explained at Ash’s questioning look.

“Next time let’s go there,” Ash said. “We can go to the beach again.”

They both smiled, thinking about their time at Cape Cod.

The plane ride was uneventful, they played cards, Eiji quizzed Ash in Japanese, and they slept. Eiji’s head resting on Ash’s shoulder, and Ash’s face pressed into Eiji’s hair, their fingers loosely intertwined.

Their destination was a local farm, Yamakawa Farm. They were part of a bigger tour group; they got stickers to place on their jackets, they had a little depiction of a bear on a mountain.

“Bears,” Ash said, “that’s what I always think of when I think of Hokkaido.”

“I think you can eat bear here.” Eiji said thoughtfully.

Ash laughed. Then his eyes widened dramatically when he realized Eiji wasn’t joking.

“What!”

The tour group was made up of Japanese citizens and foreigners. There were mostly young people, a fair amount of couples, and one young family. They had two guides, one who spoke in Japanese, and one who spoke English. Eiji and Ash tried to fill each other in if they thought there were things being said that didn’t get translated, they smiled almost the whole time they were there.

They were taken horseback riding. The guides showed them how to approach a horse so as not to startle it, where to pet the horse, and how to feed it. Ash was a natural and the horses took to him easily. He was grinning and showing off to Eiji how the dappled grey mare, Sumomo-chan, pushed her nose into his hand. She took anything he gave her gently, and when Ash turned to flash Eiji another wide grin, Sumomo-chan licked the back of his head, making his hair slimy, wet, and made it stick up in spikes.

Eiji laughed so hard he was crying.

The tour guides apologized profusely, and Ash was more embarrassed than upset. The group moved on, and Ash chased Eiji around the barn until the farmhand scolded them.

“You brat,” Ash hissed, as soon as the farmhand was gone. Eiji was still snickering. Ash grabbed him around the waist and began to tickle him. Eiji was pretty ticklish Ash had discovered, delightedly, fairly recently.

Eiji was soon absolutely breathless with laughter, Ash was laughing now too. And, when Eiji protested weakly, pushing a little on Ash’s arms, he loosened his grip. They looked at each other, eyes alight with mirth, and Eiji went up on his toes to give Ash a swift kiss.

“You like it,” he teased, and then ran to join the rest of the group.

The owners of the farm came out to greet their visitors. They gave them a brief history of their farm, how many generations it had been in the family, what they mainly tended to, thanked them for coming, and wished them a pleasant time.

There were a few apples trees, too few to be worth much selling, so these trees they mainly kept for guests. They picked a few apples each, then they went to see the cows, again there was an explanation of how to approach and treat them, and a demonstration of how to milk them.

Eiji approached the whole thing practically; a deft hand at the process, the guides praised him. Ash on the other hand was a little apprehensive about the whole thing, taking hold of the cow’s utter too gingerly and not getting a lot of milk. When he joined Eiji in the group he made a face.

“It’s not that I think it’s bad or anything,” Ash tried to explain, “it just feels…weird.” Eiji laughed a little and patted his shoulder sympathetically.

A late lunch was served in the main house, and everyone exclaimed at how good the food was.

One of the foreign couples was American, and when they realized Ash was too they seemed very happy to meet someone else from their country.

“It’s really different, but so beautiful,” the young man, Michael, said.

“I didn’t think I would love it so much,” the young woman, Ashley, added. “Everyone’s so nice, and they really take time to make other things nice, you know? You don’t see stuff like that in Chicago.”

They asked Eiji about his thoughts on the differences between Japan and America, and their lunch passed pleasantly. When they were done the rest of the tour continued.

“I’m so ready to sleep,” Ash said, lying down spread eagle on his futon. Much later, just before the sun began to set, the group was led to lodgings in the little town nearby. They washed up, ate dinner, and retired to their rooms content and sleepy.

Eiji smiled, he was putting away his clothes from that day in his suitcase. They both wore soft blue robes their hotel had provided. He stood and walked over to his own futon, pushed right next to Ash’s. He knelt slowly, looking at the beautiful picture Ash made. His eyes were closed, arms under his head, his robe loosely tied, opened to his stomach, and most of his long white legs could be seen in the soft light of the room. Eiji lay down too, on his back, hands folded on his stomach.

“I had fun, this has been very nice.”

Ash smiled lazily. He opened his eyes slowly and turned his head to look at Eiji.

“Yeah? Good, it’d be pretty uncool if you weren’t having fun on day one. The food was really good.” He added dreamily.

Eiji grinned, “I liked the part when Sumomo-chan kissed you.” He began to laugh again, remembering the look on Ash’s face.

Ash was obviously trying not to laugh too. He lifted himself up on his elbows.

“Don’t you start that again, you little - !”

That only made Eiji laugh harder.

“Fearsome Ash,” he managed to get out, “so cool!”

Ash punched his arm, just this side of painful.

“You wanna laugh so much, fine!” Ash said, and launched himself on Eiji, tickling him again. It was now his favourite form of retaliation, especially because Ash himself was not ticklish.

Eiji made a token effort to swat Ash’s hands away as they ran up his ribs, he squirmed, and laughed, tears running down his face, his cheeks were starting to hurt.

“Ha ha,” Eiji gasped, “mercy - Ash, please!”

One last poke on Eiji’s side and Ash relented. He was braced over Eiji on his elbows now, blonde hair falling into his lovely green eyes; they were both smiling.

“You brat,” Ash said sounding fond.

Eiji reached up and brushed Ash’s bangs back, more of an excuse to touch him, because they went right back to where they had been.

“You like it.”

There was a shift in the quality of the air between them, it became charged, anticipatory. Neither seemed to be able to look away from the other in that moment. Eiji felt his heart beat in his chest; he tried not to think about Ash pressed against him, and all his beautiful, scarred white skin.

“Can I kiss you?” Ash asked, softly, his eyes burning into Eiji’s.

“Yes,” Eiji breathed.

Ash moved slowly, they were still looking at each other, eyes half lidded, when their lips touched. Soft, slow brushes of lips on lips, Eiji’s mouth tingled. Ash kissed him gently, kissing the corners of his mouth, his cheeks, temples, forehead, nose, chin, jaw, and finally dragged his mouth along Eiji’s neck.

Eiji stayed still letting himself be explored, half tense, and ready to stop at any sign from Ash, even though he was a passive participant in that moment. Open mouth kisses on his neck, soft bites on his collar bone, Ash’s tongue along a vein on the other side of his neck, Eiji made a sound in the back of his throat, his breathing coming in faster despite his best efforts.

Ash lifted his head, they looked at each other again, Eiji could feel the blood in his cheeks as well as a slow progression of blood decidedly lower. Ash brought a hand up to caresses the side of his face, and Eiji couldn’t help but lean into the touch.

“I – “ Ash began, emotion plain on his face, he looked at Eiji so fiercely he thought, if it were possible for him, he might be frightened of Ash in that moment. As it was, Eiji was concerned, he thought about what Ash might need, how he could help. Ash took a slow breath; he looked away and shook his head a little. When he looked back up the expression in his eyes was softer, a little rueful. “You – you’re exquisite, did you know that?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, stealing the breath from Eiji. Compliments like this were nice, they made Eiji feel warm, but they were wholly unnecessary, Eiji was already thoroughly won over. He was Ash’s; the way he knew Ash was his. But, Ash continued to touch him tenderly; he spoke soft sweet words, winning Eiji over again and again.

They began to rock slowly together, kissing each other more firmly, with a purpose. Robes slid up, and legs tangled together, Eiji’s fingers pressed into Ash’s back. He was hot all over, and it was all Ash.

Ash broke away; he looked pained.

“Can we – I – I need to stop,” he sounded apologetic and unsure. Like he thought Eiji might be upset.

Eiji forced down the feelings of anger that rose up in him thinking about why Ash’s reflex was to expect anger, why he spoke about what he wanted so timidly.

Eiji took Ash’s face in his hands and looked directly into his eyes.

“If you want to stop, we stop. It is always okay, I will _never_ be mad.” Eiji lifted himself up to press a gentle kiss to Ash’s forehead. He leaned back and smiled warmly, “Sleep now?”

Ash looked so grateful Eiji’s heart broke a little more.

“Yeah.”

They disentangled themselves; Eiji got up to drink some water and took the opportunity to collect himself a little. Deep breathes. He turned back and smiled again at Ash, who was watching him, laid out on his futon. He turned off the lights and lay down; Ash took his hand.

“ _Oyasuminasai_ , Eiji.” Ash said, in his sweet accented Japanese.

Eiji smiled in the dark. “Good night, Ash.”

 

 

Fine mist hung in the air, the sky was grey, but the air was warm, and the air smelled clean and fresh. Eiji and Ash walked along a little path marked out to them on their map, they carried umbrellas, backpacks, and jackets tied around their waists. They had made their way across Japan to Kyoto and were in a tea farm just outside the city. They were on another tour; their guides had given them a map to follow to take a walking tour of the tea fields.

Eiji looked at the map around Ash’s shoulder.

“I think we turn right over there,” he pointed to a fork in the road. He glanced up and then back at the map. “It must be.”

Ash raised his eyebrows. They had been lost for ten minutes now; neither of them were particularly good at reading this map. It was cut off at odd places and interspersed with pictures. When they turned the corner they saw a truck pulled off at the side of the road, there was a group of workers there and Eiji immediately perked up.

“I will ask them!” He said, already jogging over. Ash followed close behind and held up the map to the workers as Eiji explained where they were trying to go. They looked at the map and explained how to get to their destination in a way that was much easier for both Eiji and Ash to understand. They bowed to the workers who nodded, and thanked them for their help.

Eiji beamed at Ash as they continued walking. “I told you it was this way,” he said a little smugly. Ash rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.

The fine mist in the air made the landscape look magical, ethereal. They kept stopping now and again for Eiji to take pictures, and they both admired the way the mist clung to the tops of trees in the distance. Ash pointed out the irrigation systems they passed that fed into the rice fields. Dragonflies flew passed them in abundance, and Ash smiled at them when they passed, affectionate, like he was seeing old friends. Part of Eiji’s joy as they took in the beautiful landscape was watching Ash; he too was beautiful, almost otherworldly, in this setting, mist clinging to long blonde eyelashes, and hair like corn silk.

When they arrived at the fields, cresting the top of a hill, they stood for a moment and just looked out. The fields of green, organized rows of small shrubs, whose leaves were used for green tea, spread out before them. Eiji took out his camera.

“Can I take your picture here?” Eiji asked. Ash turned to look at him and smirked.

“You don’t have enough pictures of me already?” Ash asked knowingly. Eiji blushed; Ash had seen the pictures he had taken in New York. Looking at them, the feelings of the photographer were almost painfully obvious; some of the images evoked such apparent feelings of longing Eiji almost wished he hadn’t shared them. It was strange to have his feelings displayed so openly when that hadn’t been his intent at all.

Ash laughed lightly and then ran a hand through his hair. He lifted his chin turned his face a little, hand on hip, hip stuck out slightly; he posed. Eiji giggled. He took the picture and made a mental note not to show this particular one to his family, Ash looked like a model here, he looked good enough to eat.

They laughed after and Ash insisted on taking Eiji’s picture too. He gave the camera back to Eiji who slung it back over his shoulder and said, absently, “When we were little Sakura and I talked about owning a tea farm, green tea is her favourite.”

“How old were you guys?”

Eiji considered. “I don’t – hmm, seven or eight? We would play games with our mother’s tea. We would pretend to grow the tea in our garden and then a wealthy investor would come by, try our tea, and give us money for the farm.” He laughed a little, “Stupid kid games.”

Ash smiled a little, and looked away. They had resumed walking, there were little footpaths for workers and tourists, and they were also marked out on their map.

“I…don’t really have many memories of that age. I think I…mostly blocked them out.” Ash said, looking straight ahead.

Eiji felt like they were on the edge of something. He wanted very much to help keep them from stumbling over. He bit his lip and debated whether or not to say anything to prompt Ash when he continued speaking on his own.

“I don’t like thinking about it, about what – happened.” A pause. “But, maybe – maybe I need to?” Ash made a little noise, frustrated. “I don’t know, it’s stupid, never mind.”

Eiji’s heart beat a painful rhythm. He caught Ash’s sleeve, his grip loose, letting him know he wouldn’t insist if Ash pulled away.

“It's not stupid, and neither are you.” Eiji said, voice firm. “I want to hear anything you say. If you want to tell me, I will listen. I want to share your past, if it is okay, if you want to.”

This was one of things Eiji had learned reading up on survivors of abuse. Reassuring them that things could be done on their terms, in their own time. He tried not to say things like, ‘You should know,’ or ‘Obviously’ when reassuring Ash about how Eiji felt or things he thought. It might come off as berating, which he wanted to avoid, plus Eiji would assure him of his importance, his agency in their relationship, as much as Ash needed. Progression in all aspects of their relationship was made when Ash was ready, and never before.

There was a moment where they just stood there, Eiji unable to see Ash’s face, not sure what his decision would be. He carefully let go of Ash’s sleeve and waited.

Finally he turned to look at Eiji. “It’s not pretty,” he said.

“I know.”

“I don’t think I can talk about it all right now or…maybe ever.”

“That is okay, whatever you want to share, whatever you are ready for.”

Ash continued to look at him. Eiji wasn’t sure what he was expecting to see, or what he was reading on Eiji’s face, but finally Ash closed his eyes and nodded. They continued to walk again, and Ash spoke. He told him about the man that raped him as a child, about how he had found the remains of other children that had been raped and killed, how he had pulled the trigger on the gun that resulted in his first kill. Eiji listened, careful to meet Ash’s eyes whenever the other turned to look at him. He had to know that nothing he said would make Eiji want to look away from him.

Ash talked in a somewhat disjointed way. He would describe scenes in detail; he could remember the layout of a room, the smells, and sounds so vividly in some moments, and in others there were only impressions. He couldn’t remember anything except for the way he felt, whether emotional or physical. He fluctuated between giving brutally honest descriptions of events, to glossing over things, vaguely alluding to something that happened. His words came out in a rush, and then haltingly.

Eiji listened to it all. When he thought he needed it, he prompted Ash gently. He asked questions if he didn’t understand something, but he didn’t try to pry more out of Ash than he was already giving him.

Finally, as they reached the end of the tea fields, and really because of the time, they stopped to turn back, needing to make their way back to the tour group. Ash shook his head and looked back to Eiji, not quite meeting his eyes.

“That’s – I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” He said, like he was forcing the words out.

Eiji nodded, “Okay.” He hesitated, “I think you are brave and good. You have been through so much, and your heart is still good.” The last time Eiji had said something like this Ash had gotten upset, they had fought, and Ash had stormed off. Ash didn’t seem to take his words in the same way as he did last time, he didn’t look any more upset than he already was talking about his past. “If you want to talk again, please tell me, I want to hear, I will listen.”

Ash didn’t say anything; he turned and walked down the path. There was a heavy silence as they made their way back. Eiji bit his lip and worried maybe he had made a misstep.

At the main house they were taken into a tatami room where their hosts gave a little presentation about the different types of green tea, they explained the harvest, the process of picking the leaves, and how long it took for them to have leaves ready to be distributed. There were little groups of tourists seated on cushions on the floor, all of them around a few different low tables. Their hosts played a film that showed the process of harvesting and processing the tealeaves.

Eiji tried not to worry. He tried not to shoot Ash concerned looks; he tried not to let anxiety come off him in waves. Ash needed space and time, which was normal; it was fine. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

Partway through the movie he felt Ash’s hand over his own. They were both leaning with their hands on the tatami, and he looked down as Ash curled his fingers around Eiji’s hand and squeezed. Relief so instant and strong it was almost dizzying hit Eiji in a rush. He turned his hand over in Ash’s and squeezed back.

 

 

The days left of their trip passed with almost exhausting activity. There were so many things to do and see. They spent their nights talking, they shared memories, Ash shared mostly good ones from when he was very little, things he remembered about his mother, fun moments with his brother, when his father had been kinder to him. Now and again he mentioned things about his past that were unpleasant, at those times he wouldn’t want to talk after, he just wanted to sleep, and he didn’t want Eiji to touch him. They would sleep next to each other, but in the mornings after those nights Eiji would wake up wrapped up in Ash, his arms around Eiji, their legs intertwined, and he would smile.

Eiji shyly suggested talking about things they liked when intimate. They both liked kissing, particularly neck kisses. Ash liked sweet soft kisses; Eiji liked them with a bit more bite, literally. Ash enjoyed leaving hickies just under Eiji’s collarbone. Ash didn’t have good memories with oral sex, and he wasn’t ready to go near that, either giving or receiving, but he did like being taken in hand, and his nipples were sensitive. Sometimes they put this knowledge to practice, they touched each other, attempted to verbalize what they wanted and what they liked in a way neither of them were used to. It was slow and good, and Eiji enjoyed knowing that what he did was genuinely something that Ash wanted, he liked that Ash had asked him for it, that he had asked _him_. It still felt like a dream to Eiji that they were together, that they were allowed this.

He was even glad for the times Ash asked to stop. Eiji was happy that Ash was comfortable enough to voice what he needed, that he trusted Eiji to respect his wishes, to respect him. He didn’t seem as hesitant or afraid of telling Eiji when things were getting to be too much for him, and Eiji always reassured him that if Ash didn’t want it than neither did he.

Arriving back in Izumo they were greeted by the Okumura family as it was evening and everyone was home. Mrs. Okumura hugged her son briefly and then turned to Ash and opened her arms. Eiji watched the emotions run across Ash’s face, the surprise, the sweet hesitation, and finally the soft smile that was almost heartbreaking, before Ash stepped forward to embrace Eiji’s mother. He felt such affection, and gratitude toward his mother in that moment, to both his parents. Their obvious fondness for Ash, their unconditional love, and acceptance of both young men was something Eiji would always be grateful for, would always thank any greater being that was listening for.

“ _Okaerinasai_ ,” Mrs. Okumura said, smiling gently at Ash as she drew away from the hug.

Ash, smiling and bright eyed replied, “ _Tadaima._ ”

They sat around in the living room drinking tea and chatting. Sakura asked them question after question, ignoring the gentle chidings of her mother, and the stern looks of her father. Ash just smiled indulgently, he never seemed to mind Sakura’s questions, and he never looked like he thought she was prying or being annoying.

“What did you buy for me?” Sakura asked as Eiji gave his parents packets of tea from the farm they had visited. Ash had bought them souvenirs as well, an apron for Mrs. Okumura to replace the aging one she currently had, and a handkerchief for Mr. Okumura that was hand embroidered.

Eiji tried to keep a straight face as he withdrew from his bag what he had bought for his sister. He handed it over without comment, holding it in his hand in such a way that she wouldn’t be able to see what it was until it was in her outstretched hand. Ash gave him a dry look, he already knew what it was, Eiji pointedly didn’t acknowledge him.

Sakura looked down at the charm in her hand, blushed, and then glared at her brother. She spoke quickly in irritated Japanese, which Eiji hoped Ash didn’t catch. Mrs. Okumura scolded her daughter for her language, but Sakura was obviously still annoyed. She held in her hand a small pink charm that said, “Good Marriage.”

“ _You no good_ – “ Sakura said still glaring, and broke off when Ash handed her something too. She took it warily; it was an enameled gold hairpin with a beautiful, bright pink sakura flower on it. She smiled slowly, this was one of the things Eiji liked about his sister, if she got mad or annoyed with him, it never lasted long, and she was almost always ready to laugh about it later. “ _Kirei_. It is beautiful, thank you, _onii-chan_ ,” Sakura said fondly, beaming.

Ash just smiled at her, and the rest of the evening passed pleasantly, Sakura cleaning up after, and Ash and Eiji shooed away to rest. They unpacked only what they needed to get ready for bed and then settled in to sleep gratefully, they really were tired.

They lay together on their makeshift bed, Eiji partly on his back, partly on Ash, who was playing with the fingers of Eiji’s right hand. They simply lay there together for a long moment, content with their closeness, with the simple presence of the other, and the peaceful atmosphere of Eiji’s room. When the silence was broken, as Eiji began to find it hard to keep his eyes open after the blinked, Ash broke it, still playing with Eiji’s fingers.

“I really like your family. They’re – they’re really great.”

Eiji smiled.

“They are okay,” he said, pretending to be unimpressed. “They are average, nothing special to like about them.” He said, obviously baiting Ash, who was only too willing to take it.

“That’s so not true, and you know it.” Ash said into Eiji’s ear, he shivered a little, not unpleasantly. “They’re good people, like, genuinely good people. They care about you, hell, they care about me. And,” he paused, and Eiji could hear the smile in his voice, “they remind me of you.”

Eiji laughed a little. “Maybe that is because we are related.”

“Don’t be a smartass,” Ash said, affectionately. “I mean, yeah, I guess there’s that. But, they’re good like you are; they make me feel comfortable kind of like you do too. And, “ Ash laughed a little as well. “Yeah, okay, they look like you, and that’s nice. I can sometimes see your smile when Sakura laughs; I like that about her too. She feels like…like my little sister too. That’s kinda stupid, huh?”

Eiji shook his head. “Not at all. I am happy to share my family with you. Sakura bothers me less now.” Ash huffed a laugh. “I am glad you like them, and you feel that way. It is good, you are my family too, Ash, you _should_ feel at home and welcome with the rest of them.”

Ash pressed his face into Eiji’s hair, he could feel him inhale, and then his hot breath as he exhaled. There was a long pause.

“I’m glad we met,” Ash said, finally.

“Me too.”

***

“These are bed sheets, I’ll take them in with your clothes. I think that one’s got kitchen stuff,” Ash pointed to the bag by the door, and Eiji turned to collect it along with some other kitchen things. “I’ll come back to take the others,” Ash called as he made his way to the bedroom.

Eiji smiled to himself as Ash went. He brought the things to the empty kitchen and began to put them away. Almost everything they had was new, and right now they had only the essentials, two sets of almost everything. Eiji unwrapped two mugs, two plates, two bowls, and cutlery, which had a few more of each piece. They would probably need a couple more later, but for now this was fine. Eiji put them all in the sink and began to wash them; Ash continued to move things into their new bedroom as Eiji dried the dishes and cookware, taking out one of the dishtowels Eiji’s mom had given them. Ash came back out of the bedroom and joined him, putting away some groceries they had bought, and that the Okumuras had given them.

“Your mom sent you natto,” Ash said with a grimace as he put it away.

“She sent _us_ natto,” Eiji corrected.

“No, this is definitely just for you. No one else in your family likes it the way you do, I think everyone has taste buds but you.”

Eiji hip-checked him, and Ash did the same, while Eiji was holding one of their only mugs. It flew out of his hands and they then both juggled it for a few seconds before it was safely placed on a shelf. Eiji glared at him, but Ash didn’t look repentant. He continued to unpack things.

“Your mom gave us aprons too,” Ash said holding up green and blue matching aprons. Eiji smiled, that was his mom. Ash took out a little saucepot that hadn’t been with the other cookware and began to wash it.

“Eiji.”

Eiji turned to Ash and got a face full of water for his troubles.

“Ash, you-!” Eiji sputtered.

Ash laughed, “Your _face_!”

Eiji lunged for the faucet and managed to run some water to splash Ash too. The water ran over their hands, they were both laughing, and trying to grab hold of the other’s hands to stop the other from splashing more water. They stood trying to wrestle each other away from the faucet; Ash managed to turn it off with a deft movement, and then grabbed wildly at Eiji’s hands. Their faces were dripping water, their fringes wet, and the droplets falling onto the necks of their shirts. Ash passed his wet hands over Eiji’s face, squishing his cheeks as he did so. Eiji ran one hand through Ash’s hair and stuck one of his wet fingers in Ash’s ear. Ash made a noise of protest, they were both still laughing. They pinched each other’s cheeks at the same time. This made them laugh harder, they were both practically gasping for air and they clung to each other.

Eiji loved it when Ash was with him like this. It wasn’t that they didn’t have these moments back in New York, they had. But each of those moments had felt like they might be the last, the next day a war might break out, and the future had seemed so unsure, the threat of death or torture real and looming over them. Now it seemed like they had an infinite amount of times like this ahead of them, a sweet string of days that could be passed without urgency.

When the laughter finally died down they were both pushing wet hair out of the other’s eyes. Eiji affectionately smoothed Ash’s hair to the side, toward one ear; Ash was pushing Eiji’s hair back, making it stand up in wet spikes. Eiji rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.

“You are ridiculous,” he said.

Ash cupped Eiji’s wet face in his hands, and squished his cheeks.

They continued putting things away and cleaning, breaking only to have a light lunch, and then they kept going. When they were satisfied with the way their apartment was laid out with the things they had bought and brought with them, they went to lie down in the bedroom. Eiji sat up at the head of the bed reading a book for class and Ash draped himself over Eiji’s lap, his face pressed in Eiji’s abdomen.

Ash dozed as Eiji gently ran fingers through his soft blonde hair. He smiled down at him occasionally, reveling in the intimacy of moment, the quiet comfort of being together.

It was still early, and sunlight streamed in through the windows, a light breeze came into their room. Eiji scratched at the hair behind Ash’s ear when he mumbled something.

“Hmm?”

“I’m not a dog,” came Ash’s muffled reply.

Eiji laughed softly. “No,” he agreed. “You would be a cat.”

Ash pinched Eiji’s waist, just shy of painful. Eiji poked him in retaliation, and they both laughed lightly. The drowsy atmosphere of the room persisted, and Eiji went back to reading and occasionally running fingers though Ash’s hair. A long moment passed in silence, Ash’s breathing deep and even so Eiji thought he was asleep, but Ash suddenly tightened his arms around Eiji’s hips where he had encircled them loosely when he first lay down.

“Eiji.”

“Mm?”

A long pause. Eiji looked away from his book to glance at Ash’s head curiously. Was he talking in his sleep? He was just about to go back to his book when Ash spoke again.

“Eiji, I – “ he felt Ash take a deep breath. “I love you.”

Eiji put his book down on the small bedside table without looking away from Ash. He hadn’t realized until that moment that he had never said it. Eiji said it often, and it had never really embarrassed him the way he thought it might when he was younger. It was natural to him, it was just the truth, and more importantly, it was Ash.

“Ash,” Eiji said, his voice a little shaky, “will you look at me, please?”

He did, Ash got up slowly and leaned forward on one hand to look Eiji in the eyes.

“I love you.” He said softly.

Eiji felt tears in his eyes, and didn’t even notice when they spilled over. He only realized it because Ash was wiping his face dry. He smiled, and Ash smiled back.

“I love you too, Ash.”

They gazed at each other, the look they shared communicating more than either of them could say. Eiji moved forward, pulled to Ash as if by a magnet, and Ash was drawn in too. The kiss was joyous and loving, their mouths meeting with the ease of practice, the confidence of experience. They were elated, drunk on their love and the sheer impossibility of their lives in that moment. They had this. It was theirs.

They drew apart, foreheads pressed together, and Ash gave a shaky laugh.

“I’ve wanted to say that for a long time,” Ash said quietly.

Eiji smiled, “You didn't need to, but I am glad.”

They gazed at each other, helpless to stop smiling. Ash cupped Eiji’s face, and Eiji leaned into his hand closing his eyes, an automatic response.

“I’ve wanted to do something else too.”

Eiji opened his eyes, and waited for Ash to continue. He didn’t say anything else, instead he kissed Eiji. It wasn’t like the soft kisses that felt like the edge of laughter they had exchanged just a moment ago, it was deeper, insistent, turning the moment from light and happy, to almost desperate.

Eiji pulled back as gently as he could. “Wait, wait,” he said, trying to catch his breath. They were both flushed; Eiji had a good idea of what Ash was trying to do. “You are sure you want to do this?”

Ash attempted to kiss him in answer again, but Eiji leaned away, pressing lightly on Ash’s chest. He stopped at the faint touch.

“Ash…”

“I want to.” Ash said sounding determined.

“Ash,” Eiji said again, stern now. “Don't do this because you think you must, or you think I expect it, or – “

“I’m not!” A pause. Ash continued, softer, “I _want_ to. God, Eiji, _I want you_.”

Those words made Eiji shiver, the raw unguarded way Ash said them made heat spill low in his stomach. He tried to stay calm.

Like he could sense Eiji wavering, Ash pressed on. “I’ll tell you if I need to stop, I promise I won’t push myself, or you.”

“You promise to say if I do something you do not want or like? And, tell me the moment you need to stop?”

“I promise.”

Eiji bit his lip, hesitating. He could already tell that this time was different, and as much as it excited him, it scared him too.

Ash leaned in again, slowly this time, Eiji watched him, a little wary. The kiss was soft, and oh–so sweet.

“Please,” Ash said.

That thoroughly destroyed Eiji’s last reservations and he nodded. They kissed again, Ash coaxing Eiji to lie down, Eiji’s arms winding themselves around Ash automatically. Ash kissed him with such longing it felt to Eiji like he might have been holding back for some time. He wondered for whose sake he had done that.

Slow rocking began to accompany their kisses, legs slipped between legs, and soon they were panting into each other’s mouths. When it came to touching Ash, everything felt good, and this was no exception. They had continued to experiment with intimacy in their time together. Kissing and touching each other all over, though there had been a silent understanding that they should keep it above the waist. Now they weren’t, and it was heady.

Ash’s hands wandered down to the waist of Eiji’s jeans, he paused long enough to ask him if it was okay, and Eiji nodded. His jeans were opened with deft fingers, though Eiji kicked them off with a little less finesse. His shirt was next, and after Ash gave his assent, his clothes came off too. His movements more graceful than Eiji’s, something he always admired and never tired of looking at.

Without skipping a beat Ash took his underwear off too, and like the first time Eiji had seen him, his gaze was irresistibly drawn downward. His heartbeat picked up, and he felt flushed all over, Ash was already about halfway hard. Eiji felt himself get harder just looking at Ash naked and wanting him. His breathing suddenly sounded too loud in his own ears.

Ash reached for him, and the touch was electric.

“Can I?”

Eiji nodded. His last article of clothing was dispensed with.

They sat and simply looked at each other for a moment. Both of them breathing hard, unable to control the way their eyes roamed over the other’s body, devouring with their gaze the way they wanted to do with their bodies.

Eiji’s eyes suddenly snapped up, he panicked as he looked at Ash.

“What?” Ash asked quickly, reading Eiji’s distress.

“We do not – we don't have…” Eiji forced himself to say it passed his embarrassment. “Condoms or…”

Eiji watched as Ash, already pink, flushed red. “I do.” He said.

Eiji didn’t try to hide his surprise. “What! When did you..? _How_ did you – “

Ash shrugged trying to look nonchalant and not succeeding, “Whatever. The point is I have ‘em.”

Eiji wanted to persist, burning with curiosity, but Ash put a hand on his thigh, and the questions vanished from his mind. It could wait, in that moment it wasn’t so important, what mattered was the texture of Ash’s bare skin under his fingers, his warm mouth, the way his hands caressed him. What mattered was the way Ash’s mouth fit against his own, his familiar taste, and the little noise he made when Eiji sucked lightly on his tongue.

This time Eiji pushed Ash down, and the feeling of all that skin pressed against his own left him breathless. Ash’s hands were everywhere, touching him like Eiji had dreamed, better than any of Eiji’s dreams.

Without meaning to, they were pressed against each other, their hips aligned, and they began to move against each other again. Eiji would have been content to follow that to its conclusion, it felt that good, but Ash was pushing him back, and the haze of desire that had settled on his brain dissipated like smoke out a window. He froze and immediately sought out Ash’s eyes, ready to stop everything.

Ash read the concern on his face, and smiled, his hand running up Eiji’s back soothingly.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, dummy,” Ash said.

Eiji relaxed instantly. “What is it?” He asked.

Ash looked at him. “I want you to fuck me.”

Eiji couldn’t help the sudden and explicit image that came into his mind at Ash’s words. His body couldn’t help the way it reacted either. He took a deep steadying breath.

“No.”

Ash opened his mouth to protest, but Eiji kissed him lightly, effectively stopping his unnecessary objection.

“I will not do that,” Eiji began again, seriously. “I will make love to you.”

Surprise was written all over Ash’s face in that moment. He rolled his eyes and looked away, but then he nodded. Eiji kissed his cheek, he watched the way Ash slowly closed his eyes, giving himself over to the gentle kisses placed all over his face, along his neck, across his chest, special attention paid to his sensitive nipples that made Ash gasp and press his fingers into Eiji’s back, more kisses down his stomach and abdomen. Eiji made sure to kiss any scar he encountered along the way too. He felt Ash tense a little when he reached the apex of his thighs, and mindful of Ash’s discomfort with oral sex, he simply placed a light kiss on each of his hipbones before he moved back up Ash’s body.

Ash opened his eyes, they looked at each other. “The drawer,” Ash said, and pointed to the beside table. Eiji drew away from him a little reluctantly and opened the drawer. Sure enough, there was a box of condoms and a bottle of lube. Eiji wondered again when and where Ash had gotten these; he made a mental note to ask later. He took a couple condoms and placed them close at hand and opened the bottle, he looked up at Ash in that moment, and he nodded. Eiji continued with unsteady fingers.

He moved to Ash, and as he did, Ash opened his legs. Eiji bit his lip, trying to push down the hot spike of desire that ran through him to see Ash do that. For him.

He warmed the lubricant by rubbing his fingers together and placed a finger at Ash’s entrance, looking at him.

“Okay?”

Ash nodded.

He circled teasingly before pressing in, slowly. Ash made a noise, and Eiji immediately stopped, feeling the tension in Ash’s body too.

“Keep going.”

Eiji searched Ash’s expression.

“Don’t make me beg, idiot.”

Eiji smiled, and kept going, slowly, slowly. He watched Ash’s face, his eyes were closed now, his hands fisted in the bedding. He moved his finger in and out; noting the way the flush on Ash’s face had spread down his neck and across his pale chest.

He pressed another finger against Ash’s entrance.

“Okay?”

“Yes.”

Eiji felt Ash stretch this time, and when Ash made that same noise, sharper, he noticed it was timed with precum beading on the tip of his erection. He continued unhurriedly, quickly becoming attuned to the way Ash’s body tensed and the sounds he made when he felt good.

The third finger was pressed in just as carefully as the others, and only after he had Ash’s consent. Feeling the way Ash’s body was opening up was something Eiji had never really imagined. He had only vague impressions of what it might be like to love Ash like this, but even this form of penetration was pleasurable to Eiji, and that hadn’t occurred to him, it was a pleasant surprise. He thought though, that the best part of it was knowing Ash enjoyed it.

A gentle press in, going deeper with growing boldness, and Ash cried out.

He paused. “Feel good?” Eiji’s voice sounded strange to his own ears.

“Yes.” Ash managed to get out.

Eiji withdrew his fingers and pressed in again, looking for that spot. He didn’t get it right away, but when he did Ash cried out again. He kept going, hitting it again and again until Ash’s back was arching off the mattress and Eiji felt his own breathing coming in harder and faster watching pleasure overtake Ash.

“S-stop,” Ash gasped. Eiji did. He carefully withdrew his fingers as Ash caught his breath; he waited.

“Do you want to stop?” Eiji asked carefully.

Ash shook his head. He looked at Eiji. “Put on the condom.”

Eiji picked it up. His fingers were slippery, and it was hard to get a proper grip. Ash made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh and sat up.

“Here,” he said, palm up. Eiji passed him the condom a little sheepishly. Ash opened it and gestured toward Eiji. A second of confusion before Eiji caught on, he nodded. Ash pressed the condom to the tip of Eiji’s leaking cock and gently rolled it down. The sensation of Ash, the sight of him doing this for Eiji made him want to kiss Ash all over, again.

More lube was applied, and that done Ash kissed him, biting his bottom lip before pulling away, and lying back. He spread his legs and arched an eyebrow. Eiji felt hot all over. He went to Ash, unable to help moving forward, pulled in inexorably by the look in Ash’s eyes.

Braced over Ash he aligned the tip to Ash’s entrance and paused. They gazed at each other.

“You will tell me if – if anything?” Eiji asked again.

“I promise.”

A soft kiss, and Eiji pressed in. Even just the sensation of pushing in passed the ring of muscle was breaking Eiji’s mind open. His world narrowed, all his concentration on moving slowly, on keeping his body from thrusting in hard like it was trembling to do. When he had pushed in all the way he stopped to catch his breath, eyes closed, he tried to get used to the feeling of it, tried not to be overwhelmed, but god _, Ash._

Eiji opened his eyes and met Ash’s. He was breathing hard too, mouth open, eyes dark, and hair messy. His beauty was almost physically painful to Eiji.

“Are you okay?” Eiji asked sounding strained.

Ash smiled a little, “I’m fine, what about you?” He sounded amused, and clenched slightly around Eiji. He groaned and dropped his head against Ash’s shoulder. Ash laughed, and that felt good too.

Eiji lifted his head and tried to glare, “You did that on purpose, you little – “

“Tease?” Ash finished, grinning and raising his eyebrows suggestively. Eiji groaned again, and they were both laughing.

Eiji peppered Ash’s face with kisses, dragging his mouth along the jawline he admired so much. Ash clenched around him again and rocked his hips. They both gasped. They looked at each other, dark eyed.

“Can I move?” Eiji asked, mindful to ask about everything he could. Ash nodded.

Eiji withdrew slowly, marveling again at the feel of Ash. He thought, not for the first time, of the miracle of their meeting, their relationship, their love, and that they could be together body to body, and it was allowed.

Pushing back in felt just as good and Eiji fought hard to keep his head clear.

The more he moved, the harder it was to remember to be gentle, but Eiji fought it. As determined as he was, he still almost missed the way Ash suddenly tensed. He looked up; Ash had turned his head away, arm draped over his eyes, gritting his teeth.

“Stop,” he said quietly. Eiji stopped.

“Ash – “

Ash held up his other hand, still not looking at him. “Just – just give me a second.” He took a deep breath. Eiji worried, on the brink of pulling out and calling the whole thing off, concerned that if they continued now Ash would only be pushing himself.

“Talk to me,” Ash said quietly.

“Ash, can you look at me?”

A moment passed and then he did, bringing his arm down, Ash’s eyes found Eiji’s.

Eiji carefully cupped his cheek, and held his gaze as he spoke. “Ash, it is me here with you. I will be here for however long you want me. I will never leave you, and I would never hurt you. I love you.”

They were both on the brink of tears, and Ash closed his eyes briefly, putting a hand over Eiji’s.

“ _Aishiteru_ , Ash.”

Ash looked at him, “Why?” He asked, and it came out quiet, and vulnerable.

Eiji smiled a little, running his thumb along Ash’s cheekbone. “I could ask you the same thing.” Eiji said. “You are the best person I have ever met. You have a kind heart, and a beautiful soul. And, you love _me_ even though I am not special.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Ash said pink faced and eyes shining. “You’re incredible.”

“Only you think so. But that's okay, only you need to.”

They smiled at each other.

“Will you keep talking? Your voice helps.” Ash admitted, a little shy. Eiji remembered that this was new for him too. He had skill and knowledge of sex, but that wasn’t actually what he had experienced until now. Eiji nodded, even though he wasn’t really sure what he was going to say.

“You can move,” Ash prompted when a moment passed and Eiji did nothing. He bit his lip.

He moved again slowly, mindful of Ash’s request.

“When I met you,” Eiji began, pushing slowly back in. Ash had his eyes closed.

“I thought there was something beautiful about you.” His voice a little breathy, as if he were running. And still he moved.

“It was not just your looks.” Eiji continued, feeling Ash run a leg up one of Eiji’s to his hip, and wrapping around him.

“It was your presence, your – “ Ash wrapped the other leg around him and pressed Eiji in harder when he pushed in, making Eiji’s breath catch.

“ – your spirt – “ Ash made a small noise, and Eiji had to kiss him.

“ – it called to me.” Ash wrapped his arms around Eiji, fingers pressed into his back, urging him to go faster, push deeper, and Eiji, helpless, complied.

Eiji tried to look for the spot he had found earlier, it was difficult with the way his attention was split. He kept trying to talk, making less and less sense as he continued. It was harder for him to remember the English word for things he wanted to say in that moment. He thought he might have slipped into Japanese a few times.

They moved together, Ash’s small sounds encouraging, until finally Eiji found the spot he was looking for. Then Ash cried out again, clenching around Eiji unexpectedly. It felt so good he almost came. He closed his eyes, he couldn’t keep talking, it was too difficult to push words passed sensation. Ash was hot and tight, and god, Eiji was lost in him.

Ash moaned and gasped in his ear, they were pressed so close together, Eiji heard him passed the sound of blood in his ears. He was getting close.

“Can I – “ Eiji’s breath hitched, he tried again, “can I - touch you?”

“Yes,” came the reply, practically choked out.

Eiji’s hand immediately went to Ash, hard and leaking against his stomach. The heat of him in his hand was good too, it made desire spike in his stomach, and as he stroked him he felt Ash’s body tense with his building orgasm. He wanted to say something to him. Tell him how amazing he felt, how Eiji was going crazy with the feel of him, how it was so _good_ he never wanted to stop, how he never wanted this with anyone else. Eiji wanted to tell him that next time they should switch, and that thought nearly undid him.

“Ash,” he managed to get out. He said his name over and over again, thrusting more desperately, working his hand over Ash, pressing his thumb into the slit, and remembering the last time. “ _Aishiteru_ , Ash.”

Ash’s back arched, he clenched around him, and came hard. Eiji made a strangled noise; it was too much. He wanted to experience Ash’s pleasure completely but he couldn’t, he was coming too. Ash clung to him, and Eiji thought Ash might have said his name.

For a moment the only sound in the room was their breathing, both of them trying to catch their breaths, coming down from pleasure. Eiji ran his mouth along Ash’s neck, pressing his lips softly against his collarbone, the way he knew Ash liked. Ash bit his shoulder, just this side of pleasurable, and Eiji felt his spent body try to respond. He smiled a little and carefully began to pull out.

They kissed long and slow, enjoying the sheer intimacy of the moment, the closeness neither had experienced before. One last kiss and Eiji sat up, carefully taking off the condom and slipping off the bed. He washed up and brought the only washcloth they had out in the bathroom back with him. Ash lay on the bed, arms up, and hands by his head, he looked loose and relaxed, he smiled knowingly at him, Eiji wanted to eat him up.

He used the damp cloth to carefully clean Ash, his touch gentle and loving. They looked at each other as Eiji did so. Eiji could see emotion in Ash’s eyes, but they stayed dry this time, and there was a smile on the corner of his lips. When he was done, Eiji placed the cloth onto the bedside table, and went into Ash’s open arms. Eiji pressed a kiss to Ash’s cheek before he laid his head in the space between Ash’s neck and shoulder, half on top of him. Ash pulled the covers, hastily kicked to the side, over their cooling bodies.

“Are you okay?” Eiji asked.

“Yeah.” Ash’s hands were in Eiji’s hair. He spoke again after a long pause. “That’s the first time I’ve ever had sex because I really wanted it.”

“Then that is the first time you have had sex,” Eiji said quietly.

Ash pressed his face into Eiji’s hair and laughed a little shakily. “It was your first time for sure, what did you think?”

Eiji blushed, surprised by the question. Wasn’t that obvious?

“I think next time,” Eiji said, “you should do me.”

Ash didn’t say anything, but he pushed Eiji away from him and onto his back. It caught Eiji off guard, but the dark look in his eyes was an explanation in itself.

“Yes,” Ash said, making Eiji shiver, and he kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bloody hell this took so damn long. I kept writing things and then deleting them. I always planned to make the chapter include all this, but somehow I didn't think it would be so long. My bad.
> 
> If you're wondering, I like to think that Ash asked Sakura where he might buy protection etc. and is just too embarrassed to admit it. Sakura is an excellent wing woman, and honestly just the best.
> 
> Thank you everyone for your patience! Thanks so much for commenting, I really love reading all of them, it warms my heart to know you enjoyed this fic, my humble offering as a balm to our broken hearts.


	5. We deserve a soft epilogue, my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garden of Light, except everyone is happy, damnit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck yeah, made it! We've reached the end of this fic that got way out of hand! Thanks for coming on this wild ride with me. 
> 
> And yes, I really like that quote, it works so well for so many of my ships. "I think we deserve a soft epilogue my love, we are good people, and we have suffered enough." I think it originates from stucky fanfiction "Seventy Years of Sleep", which is amazing. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

I don't care what consequence it brings

I have been a fool for lesser things

I want you so bad

I think you ought to know that

I intend to hold you for the longest time

 

Billy Joel “The Longest Time”

 

_Where…?_

“Are you Akira?”

She turned, a tall young man had spoken to her, whoever he was she didn’t know him; she turned and tried to make a run for it.

“ _Hold on! You’re Akira Ibe, right? Ibe’s niece?”_ The tall guy had grabbed her by the back of her shirt, she struggled a little, but stilled at his words. She looked at him with wary curiosity.

He smiled smugly. “ _I’m not Japanese._ ” He said, “I’m Chinese American. My name’s Sing, nice to meet you. _I’m a friend of Eiji’s, okay? He got busy at work, so he asked if I could come pick you up_.” He reached over and grabbed her bags, “ _This all your stuff_?” He took her continued staring as a ‘yes.’ “ _Okay, let’s go_.”

He seemed way too tall to be any kind of Asian, Akira thought, but she went with him reluctantly after he showed her that embarrassing picture from when she was younger. She remember Okumura-san from back then, the kind way he spoke to her, and the lonely look in his eyes at that time.

 _"What's wrong?"_ She had asked him.

He had smiled a little sadly. " _There's someone who I care about that's far away right now._ "

Arriving at Okumura-san’s house Akira was immediately impressed by the apartment. It was neat and spacious; it reminded her of places you saw in Hollywood movies. Sing showed her around a little, and she noted the confidence with which he moved around the apartment, he knew where everything was, and clearly felt at home here.

Sing turned to the window at the sound of a car door closing; he walked over in three strides of his impossibly long legs. Akira was impressed as much as she was a little unnerved. _Way too tall…_

 _“_ Eiji’s back!” He called and waved her over.

Akira ran to the window. “Okumura-san!”

Okumura-san looked up and smiled, “Aki-chan?”

 They greeted Okumura-san at the door as he entered, a beautiful golden retriever at his heels. Sing grinned and leaned down to pat the dog’s head.

“Welcome, Aki-chan,” Okumura-san said, smiling, he gestured to the dog. “This is Hachi.”

Akira stuck out her hand for the dog to smell, and then tentatively pat his head.

“Oh, aa, that’s a very…nice name.” She said politely.

Sing sniggered, “You mean boring?”

Okumura-san shook his head, but he was still smiling. “I think it’s lovely.”

Sing scoffed, “Oh, of course _you_ would, considering who named him.”

Okumura-san ignored this comment and turned to Akira. “Want anything to eat or drink?”

“Water, please?”

They made their way to the kitchen Sing chatting happily as they went.

“So, how did it go?”

“Okay. It’s going to happen.” Okumura-san replied, pouring a glass of water for Akira and handing it to her with that kind smile of his. She took a moment to really look at him, his handsome face, the long dark hair pulled in a messy ponytail, and the soft brown eyes that crinkled affectionately when he looked at her. Akira felt her heart squeeze a little.

Sing pumped his fist, “That’s great!” He turned to Akira, “He’s going to have a show. In a really famous art gallery.”

Akira swallowed water a little too quickly, “Wow! That’s great!” She gasped.

Okumura-san laughed a little, and Sing patted her back. “Say, Aki-chan, I’m free tomorrow afternoon, is there anywhere you want to go or something you want to see?”

She considered, excited at the prospect. “Oh! How about the New York Public Library? I’d love to see that, it was in Ghost Busters.”

Okumura-san and Sing exchanged smiles that told Akira she was missing something.

He turned back to her, smiling a little differently, fond and like his mind was somewhere else. “I’d like that.”

They chatted a little, asking Akira about school, her family back in Japan, and if she had seen Okumura-san’s family recently. She had seen his sister a couple of days ago, she taught at a different high school, and Akira lamented the fact that Okumura-sensei couldn’t be her teacher.

Soon after Okumura-san set them all to the task of making dinner. He was a wonderful cook, and a patient teacher. Akira didn’t really have a knack for cooking, but Okumura-san instructed her with kind smiles and easy to follow directions. Sing teased her gently when she messed up, but Akira could tell he was just trying to make her laugh.

Okumura-san’s long hair kept falling into his eyes and Sing left for a moment, and came back with a clip that he handed him. It looked like a women’s hairclip, gold with a pink sakura flower on it, Okumura-san smiled down at it before he clipped his hair back, but didn’t comment on it. Akira had a growing suspicion.

Dinner was delicious. And, when they sat around to eat they started planning their outing the next day. Akira half listened until Sing said something that caught her attention.

“Okay, so we’ll meet there at about one? Do you think Ash will join us?”

Okumura-san chewed thoughtfully then shrugged. “It’s hard to say, hopefully, that would be nice.”

Sing rolled his eyes at the look on Okumura-san’s face, and Akira felt her heart squeeze again, a little painfully this time.

“Ugh, you guys are gross. Aren’t you too old to look like a school girl in love?” Sing complained, but Akira could tell he didn’t mean it, there was no bite in his words, and Okumura-san knew too, because he just laughed.

Akira felt her heart sink a little. Who was Ash?

When dinner was done they helped clean up. Then Okumura-san had to walk Hachi so he left Sing to show her to her room.

“Could you grab a towel for her from the closet upstairs? I forgot to put one in the bathroom down here.” Okumura-san asked as he put on his shoes.

“Sure thing.”

Akira grabbed her toiletries thinking about what she had heard earlier. Making up her mind she walked out of her room and waited for Sing to come back downstairs. She heard the faint sound of his footsteps. For such a big guy, he hardly made any noise when he moved around.

“Here you are, miss,” he said handing her the towel.

She took it, “Thank you.” Then squared her shoulders. “Who’s Ash?”

Sing looked a little surprised, and then he laughed. “Oh, didn’t anyone tell you?” Clearly he saw the look on her face because his expression softened. “Ash is the love of Eiji’s life. Probably one of the most beautiful people you’ll ever meet, blonde, green eyed.” Sing seemed almost apologetic as he added, “You should look somewhere else, kid, Eiji’s taken.”

Akira felt herself blush hard. She glared at him, “That’s not - ! I wasn’t - !” She sputtered indignantly.

Sing smiled sympathetically. “Alright, I didn’t mean to offend,” he put his hands up, placating. “Ash works at the library, maybe you’ll meet tomorrow.” He backed up a step, still smiling in that unnecessarily sympathetic way. “Have a good night, see ya in the morning.”

Akira watched him leave, lifted her chin, and went into the bathroom.

***

Ash walked in to his almost completely dark apartment, Eiji always left the light on for him at the entrance. Hachi lifted his head to look at Ash from his bed by the stairs, he blinked slowly and then laid his head back down. Ash smiled a little wryly, Ash may have found him and named him, but Hachi was clearly Eiji's dog. He let out a long sigh, glad to be back home after a long day. He took off his shoes and made his way to the kitchen. He washed his used containers, trying not to run too much water and make noise. Then he quietly made his way upstairs.

Opening the door to the bedroom he saw Eiji sitting up in bed, glasses on, book in hand, he was the picture of domesticity, and Ash’s heart beat in his chest. Eiji turned when Ash came into the room, he set the book down and smiled warmly.

“ _Tadaima_ ,” Ash said.

“ _Okaeri_.” Ash unbuttoned his shirt as he walked over to Eiji who tipped his head up automatically, anticipating the kiss that Ash gave him.

Ash pulled away and continued to undress. “Is she here?”

Eiji nodded, “She went to sleep a little while ago.” He smiled, “She’s still sweet like I remember, you’ll like her.”

Ash nodded, tossing his shirt into the laundry basket and walking into the en-suite bathroom. “Do you have any plans to show her the city yet?” He asked, coming back out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in hand.

“We were actually planning on going to your library tomorrow, she wants to see it.” Ash, who had begun to brush his teeth, raised his eyebrow in question.

“She says it’s in Ghostbusters.”

Ash made a noise and went back into the bathroom. He rinsed his mouth and called to Eiji, “What time?”

“Around one.” Eiji called back.

He considered. He could probably push his lunch back to that time; he’d have about an hour. He did have programs he had to run tomorrow, as well, and he wouldn’t be able to get out of that. He would probably only have that one hour to spare for them tomorrow. Maybe on Monday…

Ash finished washing up and getting ready for bed, when he came out from the bathroom, Eiji glanced up from his book and raised his eyebrows, smiling slowly. Ash smiled too.

“Aren’t you being a little presumptuous?” Ash said, walking around the bed to get in on the other side.

Eiji laughed a little, “Me? I’m not the one who’s naked.”

Ash put on a serious expression. “I’ll have you know, I sleep better like this, unimpeded, free.”

“Oh, of course. It must have just slipped my mind how fond you are of sleeping nude.”

Ash had settled into bed, the covers pulled up over his lap, he leaned in close to Eiji.

“Come here.”

Eiji laughed. This time the kiss was long and lingering, not the brief press of lips they were used to as a greeting or farewell; this was for the real pleasure of the kiss.

Eiji smiled and pulled back a little, “Now who’s being presumptuous?” He breathed.

Ash ran his fingers up the skin of Eiji’s back, “So, tell me to stop.”

“Never.”

Ash pushed him down. He carefully took off Eiji’s glasses and placed them on the bedside table. Eiji watched him with dark eyes that shone with so much love, even after all this time. His long dark hair was splayed out around his head on the pillow, Ash pressed himself firmly on top of Eiji, and watched his pupils dilate.

“We can’t make noise,” Eiji warned, Ash was already running his mouth along Eiji’s elegant neck.

“So be quiet then,” he said against Eiji’s skin, drawing away a second later to tug Eiji’s shirt off.

“Isn’t that my line?” Eiji retorted, helping Ash pull off his sleep shorts.

Ash raised his eyebrows, “I guess we’ll have to see, won’t we?”

***

Akira awoke groggy and a little disoriented. She rubbed at her eyes and remembered where she was. Glancing at the clock told her she was up too early, it was only five in the morning. She got up anyway to use the bathroom, leaving her room; she was immediately hit with the smell of coffee.

On her way back to her room from the washroom she heard voices coming from the kitchen. Thinking automatically of Okumura-san and Sing she wandered over. There was muffled laughter, unmistakably Okumura-san’s, but like she had never heard before.

Peaking around the corner into the kitchen she froze. There was Okumura-san, obviously smiling, and kissing a tall blonde man. Akira felt her heart pound and her face flood with heat. She watched, unable to look away as they drew apart.

The blonde man had his back to her, his arms wrapped around Okumura-san’s waist loosely, Okumura-san’s hands were in the man’s hair.

“What’s so funny, young man?” He had a lovely voice, warm and affectionate. “It’s hard to kiss you when you’re smiling like that.”

Eiji laughed again, lighter, happier than she had ever heard. He was practically glowing.

“Nothing, it’s just, I’m really happy.” Eiji smoothed back the man’s bangs, the gesture spoke volumes. “I love you.”

The man said something Akira couldn’t hear, and they kissed again. 

She tore her eyes away and willed herself to move silently as she retreated back to her room. Akira sat on her bed and wiped a tear off her cheek.

 

 

The day was lovely. The sun was out, there was a light breeze that kept it from being overwhelmingly hot, and Akira had firmly pushed what she had seen from her mind. Sing was a goof for her amusement, though Akira realized he wasn’t actually that goofy with anyone else, and when he spoke to Okumura-san he often did so very intelligently. That guy was so weird; he was growing on her.

They arrived at the library and Akira forgot about her worries as she took in the majestic sight of the grand entrance. It really looked just like in the movies.

Okumura-san smiled at her, he had a camera with him, “Mind if I take a picture?”

She shook her head and she and Sing posed by the entrance.

Walking in she admired the grandeur, it was huge, Americans really did make everything so much bigger. She looked around in awe, she loved it, it was beautiful.

“Where’s Ash?”

“We’re supposed to meet by the entrance – oh!”

Akira turned to look where Okumura-san was pointing. Coming down the hallway was, in fact, one of the most beautiful people Akira had ever seen. Just as Sing had said, tall, blonde, and she couldn’t see from this distance, but probably green-eyed, and stunning. He wore a simple white dress shirt, and bottle green slim fit pants, he also had glasses that looked rather similar to Okumura-san’s. He took them off as he arrived.

“Hey,” he greeted Sing and they bumped fists. He turned to Okumura-san, they smiled at each other, and just that look was almost too intimate. “Eiji.”

“Ash,” Okumura-san replied. A second passed, and then he turned and gestured to Akira. “This is Ibe-san’s niece, Akira Ibe, Aki-chan, this is my partner, Ash.”

 _Partner_.

Ash put out his hand; Akira hesitated and then shook it.

“ _It’s nice to meet you_ ,” he said, in only lightly accented Japanese. Akira looked at him in surprise, did everyone here know Japanese? “ _I’m a friend of Ibe-san’s, he's a good man, and it’s a pleasure to meet his lovely niece. I hope you enjoy my library; I’m very fond of it myself. Is there anything in particular you’d like to see?_ ”

Ash had moved to squat in front of her so they were at eye level. He really did have green eyes, like jade. He was unfairly good-looking.

“Do you have anything on photography?” She asked.

Ash grinned and it was charming. “Of course,” he stood up and motioned for her to follow, “right this way.”

Ash was intelligent, he was well spoken in both English and Japanese, he was attentive, and thoughtful, he seemed to have a knack for picking out books she would find interesting when prompted with the smallest detail.

“I’m a librarian, after all,” he had said.

He was winning her over, and what was worse was, he didn’t even really seem to be trying. Ash seemed genuine, his interest in her and what she liked came across as completely sincere, and despite her earlier jealousy, Akira liked him. She couldn’t help it.

 _You should look somewhere else, kid, Eiji’s taken_.

That much was obvious. Ash and Okumura-san didn’t touch, but the way they stood next to each other already changed the quality of the air around them, there was a way they seemed to reorient themselves around each other. One of them shifted, and the other adjusted his position to accompany him. It was difficult to describe, but Akira understood that it spoke of years together, of something more she wasn’t seeing, something more than a simple romance. The way they looked at each other and smiled, Akira could tell they were in love, and their happiness was almost incandescent.

She felt her heart squeeze again and scolded herself. Any fancy she had taken with Okumura-san was hopeless; she needed to put those feelings behind her.

It took some work, but it was surprisingly easy to feel comfortable around Okumura-san and Ash. They were both kind and attentive, they never did anything that made her feel uneasy, and the constantly happy atmosphere they projected was contagious. Akira found herself making faces at them with Sing when they gave each other particularly fond looks, or said something just as sappy.

One instance found Ash shooting peas at Sing and then Akira from across the table after they made gagging noises. She was a little shocked at first, but Okumura-san was laughing, and Ash just smirked and raised his eyebrows in challenge. The brawl that ensued was a free for all that made a mess of the kitchen table and the dinner they had prepared. They had to have sandwiches after they were finished cleaning up. Akira had never laughed so hard before.

On the first day of Okumura-san’s show Akira was excited to attend. Ash had taken her shopping a couple days ago. He had helped her pick out a blouse with an embroidered dragon on the back and loose fitting pants that almost looked like a skirt when she stood still.

Sing was at their place, as always. Ash and Okumura-san seemed to treat him like a little brother, and Sing in turn treated Akira like a little sister. She would never admit it to him, but it was nice.

“Ready to roll, miss?” Sing asked. He looked pretty sharp, finally out of jeans and wearing dress pants, and a shirt that didn’t have anything written on it. “Hey, look at you,” Sing said sounding almost insultingly impressed, “I dig the shirt.”

Akira rolled her eyes, but she was pleased. They left for the gallery; Okumura-san would already be there.

It was a showing of a project Okumura-san had been working on; all the pictures were about New York. In an interview Okumura-san did he mentioned how strongly he felt about the city, which had given him so much, and Akira found herself nodding along. That was obvious too. The pictures were all taken with an affectionate lens; they could have only been taken by someone who was in love with the city.

Once the interview was over Okumura-san came over to speak with them.

Sing punched him in the shoulder, “Congrats, man.”

Okumura-san winced a little and rubbed his shoulder, he smiled a little wryly, “Thanks.”

“Where’s Ash?” Sing asked, “I haven’t seen him.”

Okumura-san shook his head, “Work.” He said simply.

Sing nodded, “He’s pretty dedicated, huh?”

Okumura-san didn’t say anything, just gestured for them to follow him around the gallery. They went from room to room, Okumura-san sometimes gave a brief description of what an image meant, or when, and how it was taken, sometimes he didn’t.

When he was pulled aside by another guest Akira turned to Sing. “What’s Ash doing? Why isn’t he here?” She demanded. It wasn’t like him to miss something like this.

Sing sighed a little. “He runs after school programs for at risk youth. Sometimes he’s at the library, or at community centres for hours after school ends. He’ll stay until the very last kid in the program heads out home, he never rushes them, so that means he stays late a lot.”

“Oh,” Akira said, not knowing what else to say.

Sing must have read her mind because he continued. “When Eiji met him, Ash himself was a troubled teen himself. Lived on the streets, got into all kinds of sh – stuff.” Akira raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Sing continued. “There was…a lot of stuff that went down, and Ash really wants to help people who were like him. He wants to see them get out of that life, he does a lot of work in communities like that,” Sing looked away for a moment, like he was remembering, “it’s probably his way of making amends too.”

“Amends?” Akira asked.

Sing shook his head. “Anyway, he knows this is important to Eiji, but…” Sing shrugged eloquently.

Akira didn’t totally understand, but she accepted Sing’s explanation. Shortly after Okumura-san joined them again, and they continued their tour of the gallery. Arriving at the very back Akira was immediately arrested by the large photo that sat as the obvious centre of the collection. It was Ash. He was younger; maybe seventeen or eighteen, sitting at a window, the warm morning light softening his already beautiful features and making them otherworldly, luminous. This photo, like the others, was obviously taken with a loving eye. It felt intimate just to look at it, Okumura-san’s feelings on display.

Standing in front of it was a tall blonde man. He turned as they approached; he was holding roses. Okumura-san went right up to him; he accepted the flowers when Ash handed them to him.

“Congratulations on a beautiful show, Eiji.” Ash said, smiling, eyes soft with affection.

“Thank you,” Eiji said, and leaned up to kiss him.

Akira looked away and caught Sing’s eye. He was grinning and gestured for her to follow him out to another room.

 

 

When it was time to see her off everyone was there, even Ash, who had managed to get the day off. They went with her to the airport, helping her buy last minute souvenirs, and artfully stuffing them into her suitcase.

“Come back anytime,” Okumura-san said kindly.

“We’ll miss ya, kid.” Sing said, ruffling her hair affectionately. She glared at him, but he just laughed.

Ash knelt in front of her and handed her a book. “We’ll be waiting for when you come back.” He said simply. Akira nodded, she put out her hand, and Ash shook it.

She would definitely be back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize Garden of Light is a stretch in this timeline, but I really wanted to rewrite it, plot problems and all. I hope you could suspend your disbelief.
> 
> I hope Akira was likeable. I feel like I struggled with her a little after writing Eiji and Ash for so long. She also wasn't homophobic, just taken aback by Ash, just in case. I feel like Japanese people wouldn't really talk about Eiji who lives in New York with his American lover, and he would have waited to introduce them face to face. 
> 
> That bit about Eiji being lonely? Ash had to leave for school, Eiji waited until he graduated to move to the US to be with him. They were apart for maybe less than a year, but boy was it hard for them.
> 
> Also, I love Sing. He is my dude, I want a spin off where he suddenly grows taller than everyone and hilarity ensues. 
> 
> I'm actually pretty happy with this epilogue, it makes me feel better, and I hope it made you feel better too. Please share your thoughts on this chapter, on the fic as I whole, I'd love the hear them! Thanks so much again to everyone for your support, it's been a pleasure! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧


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